


across the red lake and into the light

by okamiwind



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Afterlife, Alternate Universe - Spiritfarer, Angst, Barebacking, Breaking Up & Making Up, Cancer, Death and Dying, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magical Realism, Non-Linear Narrative, Relationship Study, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:47:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27252169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okamiwind/pseuds/okamiwind
Summary: junmyeon comes into possession of the ferry.his job is to help lost souls through the everdoor.the first lost soul he finds calls him hyung.
Relationships: Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Oh Sehun
Comments: 42
Kudos: 73





	across the red lake and into the light

**Author's Note:**

> this story is based off of an indie game called spiritfarer. it is not necessary to play the game before reading, but it is recommended bc its a really good game lmao lakjdlkjg still, i think this fic should be able to be read with, like, no prior knowledge. anyhow. its a little sad, i think. i hope you read the tags.

Junmyeon doesn’t know how he ended up with the power. It feels like a burden, but there’s something nice about the weight. 

He can nearly remember. The memories permeate slowly, like water wetting coffee grounds, dripping through a filter. Something like… something like blankets around his shoulders. Yes, he thinks, something like wintertime. Cold and a little sad, but cozy too. There were fires he could light, he remembers suddenly, specifically in the heart of winter. Something to get him through. To warm him through to the bone. 

He and him, they always found the warmth when it snowed. Like migrating birds. 

“Even now,” the ferryman says, “you think of him.” 

Junmyeon wants to shrug, wants to act as though it’s no big deal, but here in this spiritual space, the giant archway of the Everdoor looming overhead, he finds it difficult to lie. There’s something honest about this place. 

“Yes,” Junmyeon answers. 

“It matters not,” the ferryman says. “Your task here is simple. Take the coins. Accompany the souls. Bring them here. They will know what to do. They will know where to go from there.” 

Junmyeon nods. 

“Do you know why you were chosen?” 

“No,” Junmyeon says. 

“Existence is cyclical,” the ferryman says, and he points a shadowy finger back towards the Everdoor, tracing the stone archway until it is rimmed in bright white. “Everything that starts must end. Everything that lives must die. And then, once they are over, they begin again. This is the nature of the Everdoor.” 

Junmyeon is filled with hope with these words, a swelling light from his chest. 

“There it is,” the ferryman says. “Your everlight. Did you ever feel it? Did you ever touch the heat and _know_ that you were destined for this?” 

Junmyeon doesn’t know how to answer, but he takes the light, fastens it to his belt. It sits there beneath the hem of his sweater, glowing, but when he looks down to the floor of the boat, he sees… his heart. 

“Ah,” the ferryman says happily as the fluffy yellow cat streaks and curls around Junmyeon’s ankles. “Saja. Welcome.” 

His throat pulls inside him as the ferryman gives Saja an everlight of her own. Then, just as soon as he came, the ferryman is going, passing through the Everdoor. Panic rises inside him. Now it is up to him. It is Junmyeon’s task and his alone.

“Where am I to go?” Junmyeon asks. “What am I supposed to do?” 

“Find the soul who calls,” the ferryman says, voice fading into the ether. “The rest will come.”  
  


≎

Junmyeon gets back to his boat, and he pulls on the sleeve of his sweater so that he can ball it in his hand nervously. There is so much to do. So many places to go. And how could he ever be sure he was going to the right place?

Saja figure-eights through his legs, purring as she rubs up against him. 

“Yeah,” he says, crouching down to pet her. “Yeah, it’ll be okay.” 

That first night, he fishes, and it brings him a bit of calm. His sweater is white and heavy-knit, one that he remembers from his youth. He wore it in the deepest parts of winter. 

It is cold, that evening, and so when the chill creeps up and down his spine, the gentle trace of the wind’s fingernail, he turns in. The ship sleeps when he sleeps, only the gentle rocking of the water underneath.  
  


≎

In the morning, they set off for the nearest town. It’s called Nungot, and the air is thick with fog. He steps off the rowboat, climbs the ladder leading up from the dock, and begins to explore.

There aren’t many spirits wandering around, just a cold white covering over the ground. Winter, Junmyeon realizes. A foggy winter that he can almost nearly remember. It’s like looking at his own diary without knowing the language that he wrote with. A mirror with a slight, nearly imperceptible distortion. 

He explores without having a destination. That used to scare him. He’s always been the kind of person with a point B. Here, there are just dozens upon dozens of point A’s. He already knows the point B. It is built up from the red lake, a circular archway that stretches into infinity. 

Point B will always be the Everdoor. 

Junmyeon sits on a bench after dusting the snow from it. 

Why is it so cold here, he wonders. Why winter? 

He stares out over the water at the dock as Saja comes to rest in his lap, and he pets her to a rumbling purr. Then, he feels it. He is being watched. 

Junmyeon turns, finding himself staring at a spirit. It is tall, dark, and cloaked. Its eyes are haunting, a warm white. He is inexplicably drawn to the spirit that looms over him, a tugging feeling that runs through him. Who is this? Will they ask for his help? He doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know how to offer. 

Luckily, the spirit speaks first. 

“You kept me waiting, hyung,” the spirit says, and immediately, Junmyeon’s eyes well with tears. 

His voice still sounds the same. Even when he’s like this. Eyes nothing more than starlight, cloak nothing more than smoke. 

“I’m sorry,” Junmyeon says, hurriedly getting to his feet, letting Saja jump down from his arms. “I didn’t know…” 

“Well, you can make it up to me later,” Sehun says. “Can we get back to the boat? I’m itchy.” 

“Do you think the boat will help with that?” Junmyeon asks. 

The spirit does not smile, no mouth to smile with, but even so, Junmyeon can feel the delight. The cocky little brat underneath all that shadow. 

“I’ll show you,” Sehun says. “Bring me home, hyung.” 

Junmyeon brings him back to the pram, and he does as Sehun asks, rowing them home. He feels vaguely ashamed of how little his boat is when they arrive. Stepping off the ladder, he realizes he’ll need to improve things now that Sehun’s here. 

“Kind of bare bones, don’t you think, hyung?” Sehun asks, his spirit drifting side to side on the little ship. “I’ll need somewhere to stay.” 

“I can arrange that,” Junmyeon says. 

“As soon as possible,” Sehun says. “Put it on your to-do list.” 

Junmyeon’s heart hurts with how happy he is to see him again, even like this. That’s the thing about love. No matter how malleable, no matter how thin you stretch it… God, it always feels like steel when you bump up against it. 

“Okay, first things first,” Sehun says. “Let’s go.” 

Sehun leads the way, and Junmyeon dutifully follows.

On the prow of the ship, Sehun spirit changes, the shadow coming forth into the light. He is huge in front of Junmyeon, and yet it is so fitting. His shoulders are broad and strong, his waist narrow and slim, and his coat is black and shiny. There is a small flower at his neck, his spirit flower. A purple amaranth, circular and bright as if filled with the light of a star. 

He has become a wolf, teeth sharp and menacing. In any other circumstances, Junmyeon thinks maybe he would feel a bit nervous with something like him staring down at him. But it is Sehun, so inherently Sehun. And he has missed him so. 

“Look at you,” Sehun says, staring at Junmyeon. “You look just like I remember you. 2013. That winter.” 

“Yeah,” Junmyeon says, and he looks down to his sweater. “That winter.” 

“That’s when we fell in love,” Sehun says softly. 

“I remember.” 

“Yeah,” Sehun says. “Just making sure you know I remember too.” 

Junmyeon has no other choice. He launches himself into Sehun’s arms, and for the first time since he came to this funny place, he feels warmth bloom in his chest.  
  


≎

_  
**22y 06m 17d**  
_

_Sehun is there in front of him, and he looks just as beautiful as always, but worse too, lying on the bed. Things have been hard lately. So hard. Junmyeon can’t hardly believe this is where they will end. Faraway from home. So deeply in love that it hurts._

_“Don’t be so dramatic,” Sehun whispers, and Junmyeon remembers his lips pinker, fuller, less chapped._

_“This is the height of drama,” Junmyeon says, and his hands tighten around Sehun’s right, thumbs against the back of his hand. “This is the essence of your shows.”_

_“Tragic gays,” Sehun says, eyes slipping closed peacefully._

_“We’re not tragic. We’re just… this is drama, right?”_

_“It’s a little tragic,” Sehun argues. “After all this… it took—”_

_“Don’t,” Junmyeon says. “Not now.”_

_“What, you wanna play cards instead?” Sehun asks. “No pontificating on death or the meaning of life? Just casual fun?”_

_Junmyeon won’t let the mood descend like that. He keeps things light._

_“If I’m being honest, all I want in this moment is to steal your apple juice.”_

_Sehun opens his eyes, sending a smile towards Junmyeon, sliding over just a grin._

_“That’s why you came?” Sehun says, raising his brow cattily. “Pilfering my sugar water?”_

_“Will you write me into your will if I lie?”_

_“Nah,” Sehun smiles. “I’m not in my right mind.”_

_“Ah,” Junmyeon smiles. “Of course not. Look who you’re with. Me, of all people.”_

_Sehun frowns, and he takes his hand from Junmyeon’s. It feels like rehashing the past, digging it up with your fucking fingernails. Even after this, even after everything, it still hurts sometimes. That’s the thing about cuts. The pain goes away, but when you look at the flesh, the reminders are there. Never quite fading._

_Sehun reaches across to his bed table, and when he turns back to Junmyeon, he’s got the apple juice in his hand. He passes it to Junmyeon, and God, all of a sudden, he looks like he’s twenty-one, like he’s ready to break Junmyeon’s heart for the first time but not for the last._

_“Don’t get used to it,” Sehun smirks. “I’m not long for this world, lover.”_

_“Shut up,” Junmyeon says, but he peels the little lid from the cup, and he downs it in several pulls._   
  


≎

He rings the bell when the day is still dark and new, and Sehun emerges from his cabin with ruffled fur, something that feels so familiar. He yawns, and it is extraordinarily funny, because he can see the human there somewhere inside him.

“What’s so hysterical?” Sehun asks, tilting his slim waist to the side, cocking a hip. “What’s so very funny, mister?” 

“Nothing,” Junmyeon says. “I’m just… you know, this will take some getting used to.” 

“Because I’m so excruciatingly handsome?” 

“Yeah,” Junmyeon says. “And cute.” 

The wolf before him preens sweetly, and Junmyeon can see straight through the vision of him. He is lovely. He is proud. He is dangerous. Junmyeon frowns. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing,” Junmyeon says. 

“You look upset.” 

“I’m not.” 

“Then why do you look it?” 

“Maybe that’s just how my face looks.” 

“I don’t remember it looking that way,” Sehun says. “I remember you being… God, I remember you being able to stop people in their tracks. Just… just an otherworldly beauty.” 

Junmyeon looks off, the sea drifting underneath them. 

“You busy today?” Sehun asks. 

“I have to start building,” Junmyeon says. “I’m going to have to build you somewhere to live.” 

“Somewhere nice,” Sehun smiles, and he bears all of his teeth. 

“Yeah. Someone has expensive taste, so I have to get… you know, materials.” 

“Well, let’s get moving then,” Sehun says, and he stretches, a great tension strung and then cut. He sighs. “I have to be honest, sleeping on that couch… not my best night’s sleep.” 

“All right, all right,” Junmyeon says, and he heads to the bridge, rerouting towards the island called Yangson where there are plenty of trees and ore to be had.  
  


≎

_  
**21y 07m 05d**  
_

_Sehun texts him, and Junmyeon’s heart drops to his fucking ass._

i have bad news, _he writes._

_Bad news has never been Sehun’s strong suit. Junmyeon would prefer to hear his voice, but Sehun likes to be the bearer of good news, not bad. Junmyeon’s stomach twists up into clovers as he texts back._

What’s wrong?

i have cancer, hyung

_It does not seem to be the kind of thing that Sehun would joke about, no matter how cruel or abrasive he used to be. Sehun would never make Junmyeon worry like this over nothing. Would never… would never try to hurt him like this._

_He panics, all the worry and love flaring back up within his heart._

__

i wouldn’t ask you to come

_But Junmyeon has known Sehun long enough now. He’s scared. Scared to ask too much of people. Scared to give too much. What happens, Sehun thinks, if I end up hurt? What happens, he wonders, if someone lets me down? They’ve always been similar that way._

I’ll be there. Just tell me where.  
  


≎

“So,” Sehun says, claws sharp, but smile soft, “you meet anyone after?”

Junmyeon rolls his eyes. 

“It’s an honest question,” Sehun says. 

“I didn’t meet anyone,” Junmyeon says. 

“I seem to remember me telling you to meet someone.” 

“I don’t listen to you,” Junmyeon says. 

“Never did,” Sehun says, shaking his head. “Bad hyung. Very bad.” 

“I didn’t… it wasn’t that bad.” 

“You were alone. That’s bad.” 

“I had people,” Junmyeon says. “I had friends.” 

“How’d you stay warm, huh?” Sehun asks. 

“Heating,” Junmyeon says. “Ever heard of that?” 

Sehun stares at him. “Who kissed you?” 

“No one,” Junmyeon says. 

“And that’s okay with you?” 

“No,” Junmyeon says. “It was never okay.” 

“Then why didn’t you do what I told you to do,” Sehun says. 

“Because I wanted you,” Junmyeon says. “So… so that’s it.” 

Sehun looks at him sadly. 

“You always know just what to say to make me feel special, hyung,” Sehun whispers, and he pulls Junmyeon into his arms. 

“I’m supposed to be working right now,” Junmyeon says, face in Sehun’s furry chest. 

“We have time,” Sehun says. “All we have is time.”  
  


≎

_  
**21y 08m 12d**  
_

_A week later, Sehun wants to talk._

_Junmyeon walks in, and Sehun is nearly done with his bottle of soju. Anger flares up within Junmyeon, and he walks over to where Sehun is seated along the bar. He looks so different now in this lighting. Pathetic. Old._

_“We shouldn’t be here,” Junmyeon says. “_ You _definitely shouldn’t be here.”_

_“Why’s that?” Sehun says, and he hails the bartender quickly before turning back to face Junmyeon again. “Look at you. Holy shit. Have you been working out?”_

_Junmyeon wants to allow himself to be pleased. He has been, but that’s certainly not the point._

_“You’re definitely not supposed to drink,” Junmyeon says._

_“With cancer?” Sehun asks, and he lifts his shot glass to his bottom lip, just laying it along it as if to draw Junmyeon’s eye. It works dazzlingly._

_“Yeah,” Junmyeon says weakly._

_Sehun tips his glass back, and he swallows the soju. Junmyeon watches the movement of his throat, and he can’t pretend like… like he’s forgotten._

_“One could argue that no one should be drinking,” Sehun says. “Right?”_

_“I guess,” Junmyeon says._

_“So you won’t tattle on me, will you, hyung?” Sehun needles._

_Junmyeon hates how well it works on him, how simple this is but how complicated it makes him feel._

_“Whatever,” Junmyeon says, and he seats himself on the stool next to Sehun just as the bartender walks up._

_“Beer for him,” Sehun says._

_“A-Actually, could we get another bottle of this?” Junmyeon says quickly, gesturing towards Sehun, and the bartender walks off without another word. Junmyeon looks over to Sehun staring at him, shocked. “What?”_

_“You drink beer.”_

_“Not lately,” Junmyeon says._

_“God,” Sehun says, voice hollow. “How long has it been?”_

_“A little too long.”_

_It beats Sehun into silence. Junmyeon got good at that, later on in their relationship. Little phrases, lines no longer than a couple words. They always did their job, though. They always managed to steal the fight from Sehun._

_Somewhere along the line, he thought he’d forgotten. All that anger. The passion. Sehun brings that out of him. He’s quieted it with everyone else. The storm dying. Not here. Not next to Sehun._

_“I’ve got so much on my mind. Can I be honest with you?” Sehun says, pouring himself another shot._

_Sehun doesn’t say things like that, so it catches Junmyeon off-guard. It’s probably a long-forgotten dream come true, Sehun being vulnerable, Sehun bearing himself like this to Junmyeon… it works just as well as it would have then. It tears him to pieces._

_“Yeah,” Junmyeon says, and he scoots his seat closer just to feel the warmth emanating from Sehun’s body. “Always.”_

_“I’m scared, hyung,” he says, staring down at the clear liquor in his glass. “Fucking… fucking terrified. And I know I have no right to ask you anything. I know I treated you like shit. I know I… I know I fucked up everything between us.”_

_“It’s okay.”_

_“It’s not okay,” Sehun says, and when their eyes meet, he is nearly crying. “It’s really not okay.”_

_“It’s all right.”_

_“It’s not,” Sehun says, and two tears spill down his face. “You always say that, but it’s just… you shouldn’t, okay? You shouldn’t let me off so easily, hyung.”_

_“What can I say?” Junmyeon says, and he covers the cap of Sehun’s shoulder with his hand. “I just love you. I’ll always let you fuck me over.”_

_Sehun collapses into a pitiful series of sobs, and the bartender along with several other patrons wear their alarm like understated evening wear._

_“I think he’s too drunk,” Junmyeon says when the bartender comes by._

_He lays his card down on the bar, pays for the drinks left undrunk, and threads Sehun’s arms around his shoulders._

_“Stop, stop,” Sehun whimpers. “They’re gonna think I’m some old gross ahjussi.”_

_“It’s okay,” Junmyeon says. “I got you.”_

_“Take me back to your place, hyung. I can’t go back to mine.”_

_“Okay,” Junmyeon says. “I’ll bring you home.”_   
  


≎

Junmyeon works for the better part of the day, gathering his materials to make Sehun’s home. Sehun watches, wanders, waits, and Junmyeon busies himself with blueprints.

“Why are you acting so funny?” Sehun asks. “Not talking to me.” 

“I’m talking,” Junmyeon says, and he lays another board. 

“Not how you used to talk. I couldn’t get you to shut up.” 

_Back then. Back when we were living._

“I wasn’t that bad,” Junmyeon says, and he wipes sweat away from his brow. 

“You were,” Sehun smiles. “You were that bad.” 

Junmyeon glares at him, and Sehun throws his big wolfy head back with a laugh. 

“I was thinking,” Junmyeon says. “About everything that happened.” 

“Yeah?” Sehun asks. “What about it?” 

“I was thinking about when you texted me,” Junmyeon says. “After all that time.” 

“That was bad of me,” Sehun says. “I shouldn’t have put you in that position.” He lowers his head, doesn’t look in Junmyeon’s eyes. “I knew you’d come. That’s why I called you.” 

“I know,” Junmyeon says, and he hammers the nails into the wood, the sound dense and hard. 

“Did you hate me?” 

Junmyeon looks up at him, hammer in hand. Sehun looks sad, full of regret. 

“No, I never hated you,” Junmyeon says. “You can’t hate someone you love.” 

“You loved me? Really?” 

“Always,” Junmyeon says. “I wished… sometimes I wish you treated me differently. Sometimes I wish you saw things the way I saw them.” 

“I wish I did too,” Sehun says. “I wish I had woken up earlier. I wish I had seen you for what you were. I always… I was always sorry about it. I think maybe you thought I didn’t mean it. But I did.” 

Junmyeon swallows the little apology, indulges in its sweetness. 

“I knew you meant it,” Junmyeon says. “You were always loyal to me. Just in weird ways. Ways you didn’t understand. You wanted a certain story. You got it, didn’t you?” 

“Yeah. Thanks, hyung,” Sehun the Wolf snorts, and Junmyeon can see him through all the artifice, all the pride, all the snark. 

He was always beautiful. Always so lovely. 

“I should be done in a couple days,” Junmyeon offers. 

“I appreciate it,” Sehun says. “A-And maybe you can come stay here for a while.” 

Junmyeon bites his lip. Sehun knows nothing can happen between them. Not like this. Not in this world. Still, it’s nice to know he’s thinking about it.  
  


≎

_  
**21y 08m 13d**  
_

_Sehun falls asleep on Junmyeon’s couch, and Junmyeon feels an inherent guilt in that. He’s got cancer, after all. He should at the very least get the bed._

_“Hey,” Junmyeon says gently, touching Sehun on the shoulder. “Wake up, Sehun.”_

_“Hyung,” Sehun says sleepily. “Time is it?”_

_“Midnight,” Junmyeon says. “I didn’t think you’d fall asleep so quickly.”_

_“Sorry,” Sehun says, and he smacks his lips together. “Sorry, sorry. I’ve been so tired lately.”_

_Junmyeon’s heart falls. That’s what sickness does to you. Makes you so fucking tired._

_“I was gonna offer you a shower.”_

_“I’ll get one tomorrow,” Sehun says. “U-Unless I smell.”_

_“You smell fine,” Junmyeon says, smiling down at him._

_Sehun shuts his eyes again, and Junmyeon looks him over. He looks different now, in different lighting. God, he still looks just as young, just as lovely. He looks like he takes care of his skin. He looks like he wears sheet masks. He looks like… he looks like he’s got so much time left in front of him. He looks like he could go get anyone he wanted._

_He’s lying on Junmyeon’s couch. His eyes open, and he is staring up at Junmyeon._

_“Hyung,” Sehun says weakly._

_“Take the bed,” Junmyeon says, and he tightens his hand into a fist._

_“Come with me,” Sehun says._

_“I can’t.”_

_“You could.”_

_“I shouldn’t.”_

_Sehun bites his lip, and Junmyeon hates him. Hates that it’s so easy for him._

_“Come on,” Sehun whispers. “For old times sake.”_

_“I can’t,” Junmyeon says. Hard. Everything hard. That’s how he has to talk to Sehun if he means it._

_It looks like, in that little moment, Sehun discerns the meaning. His face falls, and he lifts himself onto his elbows._

_“I-I’m sorry,” he says frantically. “I’m so embarrassed, oh my God, hyung, I—”_

_“You don’t have to be embarrassed,” Junmyeon says._

_“Am I ugly?” Sehun asks, and he spits out a confused laugh at Junmyeon’s expression. “Then, are you… are you seeing someone? Is it—”_

_“No,” Junmyeon says quickly._

_“Y-You don’t like me anymore?” Sehun asks._

_“I like you,” Junmyeon says. “I’ll always like you.”_

_“Hyung.”_

_“Go to bed,” Junmyeon says. “We’ll talk in the morning, okay?”_

_“I just…”_

_“What?”_

_Sehun is pulled apart, and Junmyeon is inclined to give him just about anything when he’s in that state. It’s happened more than once before, and it’s landed them in some awful situations._

_“I don’t… you know I have trouble sleeping alone,” Sehun says._

_“Have you been sleeping with someone?” Junmyeon wonders, and Sehun flinches. Memories. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”_

_“No, it’s… it’s okay,” Sehun says. “I’m not with anyone. I haven’t been seeing anyone. I’ve just been… thinking about you, obviously.”_

_Junmyeon frowns, and he reaches down to take one of Sehun’s hands in his. Sehun’s eyes go wide as Junmyeon pulls him up from the couch, walking him back towards the bedroom._

_“Just sleeping,” Junmyeon says. “Nothing more.”_

_“Hyung, you’re so nice.”_

_“That’s why you like me.”_

_“Yeah,” Sehun says, and he wraps his arms around Junmyeon’s waist as they walk awkwardly to Junmyeon’s room. “Love you, hyung.”_

_This, at the very least, is familiar. Sehun clings to Junmyeon, to Junmyeon’s love, in times of turbulence and trouble. Junmyeon can relax into that, the feeling of Sehun holding onto him as if desperately holding onto a life raft. Junmyeon wishes he didn’t love that feeling so much, the being _necessary_ , but it is an incomparable weight, a lovely weight. Gravity pulling him down to the ground, pulling their bodies flat against one another. _

_If he was an ounce less determined to keep it platonic this time around, he thinks he’d let Sehun fuck him into the mattress. It’s been a while… practically a decade since the last time. He thinks he would let Sehun do whatever he wanted, not just because he feels bad for him, not just because he’s weak, but because deep inside him, he wants it just as bad. Has always wanted it since the day they first got together, and he hasn’t stopped wanting it a day since then._

_Sehun strips himself from his clothes in Junmyeon’s bedroom, and he looks around, observing Junmyeon’s bedroom. He lives somewhere new, he’s got different taste. Everything is simple and cluttered. Memories. Junmyeon lives in memories, and everything he’s got has a memory of its own._

_Junmyeon lotions his hands and his elbows as Sehun walks around in his underwear, exploring. He runs his fingers over the tchotkes on Junmyeon’s dresser. There is a picture there. Junmyeon and Dehan. Before they broke things off. Before _Junmyeon_ broke things off. A couple years back. _

_“You were gonna marry him, last I heard,” Sehun says. “Go to America. Get married there.”_

_Junmyeon’s heart pulls in his chest. Sehun kept tabs on him._

_“Yeah.”_

_“Did you?”_

_“No,” Junmyeon says flatly. “Obviously.”_

_“You have a picture of him in your bedroom still?”_

_“We’re still friends,” Junmyeon says. “He still talks to me.”_

_Sehun blinks, and a smile spreads on his face._

_“Do you remember the last time we had sex?” Sehun asks._

_“I remember,” Junmyeon says, rubbing the moisturizer into his skin._

_“I think about it all the time,” Sehun says. “The way you said my name, hyung, my God…”_

_“Go to bed.”_

_Sehun turns back with a smile, and Junmyeon can’t help but look down his body. He’s thin, as thin as always, but he still has some roped muscle along his arms and legs, a line down his abdomen. Does he really have cancer? He still looks good._

_“You think I still look good, hyung?” Sehun asks, using that uncanny ability of his to read Junmyeon’s mind._

_“Shut up,” Junmyeon says, but he can’t keep the smile from his face._

_He should have known. You give Sehun a spoonful, and he’ll take the bowl and lick it clean if he likes the taste._   
  


≎

He finishes Sehun’s bedroom, and he feels his heart tense in his chest when he first shows him. Sehun has his fur all ruffled and messy that morning, just like every morning, and Junmyeon gives him a cup of coffee. His first.

“Thanks, hyung,” Sehun says happily, taking the cup close to his furry chest, holding it like his own little everlight. “This is so good. I missed coffee.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah,” Sehun says. “It’s a little bitter, but… but it’s good.” Junmyeon smiles weakly to himself. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Junmyeon says. “I’m, uh, I’m glad you like it.” He gestures to the house. “I know it’s plain right now, but—”

“But you’ll get me what I deserve,” Sehun smiles gleefully, and he bumps his shoulder against Junmyeon’s. “Right, hyung? Living in luxury?” 

Junmyeon rolls his eyes. “Right.” 

Sehun finishes his coffee as he sits on his new bed, and Junmyeon watches him happily. 

“What now?” Sehun asks. “We just sail for a while?”

_What happens next_ , Junmyeon thinks, _is you’re supposed to deal with your trauma. You are supposed to come to terms with your life. You actualize. You settle your soul in the water. You come home, and you leave, and you return again. You rejoin the stars._

“Yeah,” Junmyeon finally says. “We just sail.”  
  


≎

_  
**01y 01m 14d**  
_

_Sehun is there, waiting for him on the bench. Sehun’s never there first._

_He’s got coffee in his hands, paper cups with plastic lids. Junmyeon approaches slowly._

_He sits next to Sehun without saying a word, and the moment is strung tightly between them. Junmyeon is used to being the one to break it. Not this time._

_“Hyung,” Sehun says, and he nudges the cup of coffee against Junmyeon’s arm. Junmyeon waits, makes Sehun bump him a few more times with the coffee before reaching out and taking it. “Sorry.”_

_“It’s cold,” Junmyeon says, and together they watch the snow fall around them. “We couldn’t have done this anywhere else?”_

_“I just thought… you know,” Sehun says, and when Junmyeon looks over, he is shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t know.”_

_Junmyeon looks away, can’t bear to look at him anymore._

_“You thought you could bring me back here, and just say whatever you wanted. Just telling me whatever, that I’m your best hyung, that you don’t love anyone else the way you love me,” Junmyeon says, the cup in his mittened hands. It warms his palms, sends flames through him. “You thought it’s always worked before, so why wouldn’t it work now? Bring me someplace that I’ve built up in my head, and you’ll have me eating out of your hand.”_

_“Don’t… come on, hyung,” Sehun says, and he sounds hapless, helpless._

_“Am I wrong?”_

_“Yeah, of course you are,” Sehun says, and he bumps his shoulder into Junmyeon’s. “I mean… those things are true, you know. I really feel that way.”_

_“You always feel that way,” Junmyeon says. “When it’s snowing. When you need someone.”_

_Sehun scoffs, and it makes Junmyeon ache._

_“If I just wanted someone to fuck—”_

_“Yeah,” Junmyeon says. “You’re right, you could have anyone.”_

_“I didn’t mean it like that.”_

_“But it’s still true,” Junmyeon says, and he turns, the venom spitting off him the way water falls off a spinning umbrella. “How many guys have you slept with since we broke up?”_

_“Junmyeon,” Sehun says weakly, a weak smile on his face to match._

_It’s a secret kind of pride, the kind he tries to hide but can’t quite manage._

_“I’m just wondering,” Junmyeon says flatly. “I think I deserve that much, if you’re asking to be with me again.”_

_“It was just two,” Sehun confesses._

_“Who?”_

_“It was, uh, it was Minkyu,” Sehun says, and Junmyeon’s stomach turns over as if he’s about to be sick. “And, uh, Hyunwoo.”_

_“Come on,” Junmyeon says as the tears immediately leap to his eyes. “Are you serious?”_

_“It was just once,” Sehun says hurriedly. “I’m serious, just once.”_

_“Whatever,” Junmyeon says. “I don’t have a right to be upset with you. We were broken up.”_

_The thing left unsaid, the_ I knew you wanted to fuck them, I just knew it _, hits harder that way, Junmyeon thinks._

_“I… It sounds stupid, but I really feel like it cleared my head,” Sehun says. “The time apart, the… the talking to other people… I feel like it reaffirmed how much you mean to me. How much I love you, hyung.”_

_Junmyeon blinks through glassy eyes. He stares at the snow._

_“I don’t wanna do this anymore,” Junmyeon says. “It hurts too much.”_

_“Hyung, I’m sorry,” Sehun says, and he puts his arm around Junmyeon’s shoulder, head on Junmyeon’s shoulder. “I swear it’s gonna be different this time. I swear to God. Whenever I think something stupid, I’m gonna think back to this moment, I’m gonna think of how horrible it feels hurting you. I’m gonna do everything I can to be a good boyfriend. I swear, hyung.”_

_Sehun’s body gives off wave after wave of heat, and Junmyeon closes his eyes as he sinks down into it on the bench. His boots crunch through the snow, making a funny little sound as he feels himself pulled back into it, unable to swim away from the overwhelming drag, the way Sehun places a kiss to his skin just above the neck of his sweater._

_“I love you, hyung,” Sehun says. “I love you so much.”_

_“Yeah, I love you too,” Junmyeon says weakly. “I really do. Sometimes I don’t… sometimes I wish I didn’t.”_

_“You don’t mean that,” Sehun says. “I know I’ve hurt you. I know I didn’t treat you right. But this time, I swear… I swear, hyung.”_   
  


≎

Junmyeon is busy making more coffee in the kitchen, and the smell of home fills the air as he grinds the beans and the spice. Cardamom, ginger, nutmeg, cinnamon. They had this once, way back when. Junmyeon makes it happily. He knows how their story ends, and yet… here they are. The lyrics have been sung, but the melody plays on. Notes hovering overhead.

“What are you doing in here?” 

Junmyeon turns sharply, and he sees the wolf at the doorway, hip against the frame. 

“M-Making more coffee,” Junmyeon says. “I thought you might want some.” 

Sehun closes his eyes, inhales deeply before exhaling with a smile. “Smells amazing.” 

Junmyeon turns back to his little kitchenette with a satisfied smile on his face. Sehun just stands there, watching, and Junmyeon works, pouring the water over the blend until it bleeds through the filter, dripping into the little glass mug. 

When it’s finished, he turns and hands the mug to Sehun. Sehun stands up straight, clutching the mug close to him. Coffee is a love language all its own, always has been for them. 

“Do you ever think back to the beginning?” Sehun asks suddenly. “The first time we met?” 

“Yeah,” Junmyeon says. “Sometimes.” 

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” Sehun says. “After that first night, I just… I knew I had to know you. I knew we were gonna be together.” 

Junmyeon feels his stomach twist into knots. They have done everything that people can do, and still, simple things like that get him to a silly place. Butterflies. 

“I’m sorry for everything I did,” Sehun says. “Early on.” 

“You’ve apologized so much,” Junmyeon says. “You don’t have to apologize anymore.” 

“I want you to know I mean it.” 

“I know you mean it,” Junmyeon says. “I know you do.” He nods towards the cup of coffee in Sehun’s hands. “Drink it.” 

Sehun smiles, and he takes a sip. 

“One day,” Sehun says, “one day, I’ll make sure you know.” 

Junmyeon bites his lip, and he watches Sehun drink his coffee. Love all the way down.  
  


≎

_  
**22y 07m 04d**  
_

_Junmyeon does his best to stay positive. Sehun’s always struggled with that. Put him in a bad situation, and he lets it eat at him._

_“Just let me die,” he whispers, and Junmyeon resists the urge to hold Sehun in his arms. “I don’t want this anymore.”_

_“Hush now,” Junmyeon says, and he covers Sehun’s forehead with his hand. “Don’t be like that.”_

_“That’s the only way I know how to be,” Sehun says, and he lets his eyes slip closed. “It’s the only thing I’m good at. Being awful.”_

_Junmyeon closes his eyes, sitting there for a contemplative moment before he wipes sweat away from Sehun’s brow. He stares at Sehun, and he feels a little piece of his optimism die. He tries to scramble for it, chase it in the air with his hands, but it’s gone before he even felt it go._

_“No one told me it would hurt so bad,” Sehun whispers._

_“It’ll be over soon,” Junmyeon promises. “Just one more round, and then they’ll do the test, they’ll say you’re fine, and you’ll be okay.”_

_“I don’t mean this,” Sehun says, weakly gesturing to the port in his chest, the tube sticking into him. Out of him. “I mean losing you.”_

_“You’re not gonna lose me,” Junmyeon says softly. “Don’t say that.”_

_“When I die, I’ll never have another chance to win you back.”_

_Junmyeon’s eyes fill with tears so quickly, he can’t blink them away before spitting out a laugh._

_“Where is this coming from, huh?” Junmyeon asks, and he fixes Sehun’s blanket as he swallows his cry. “Sit there and be good. Take your medicine. Get better.”_

_“Okay,” Sehun says softly. “If you tell me to do it, I’ll do it, hyung.”_

_“You’ve never listened before,” Junmyeon says, and he presses a kiss to Sehun’s cheek._

_“I’ll start now,” Sehun promises._   
  


≎

They go to many different places. The boat takes them there.

“How long have you been doing this?” Sehun asks. 

“Oh, not very long,” Junmyeon says, and he waters his carrots hoping that Sehun will not follow through with this line of questioning. 

“How long is not very long?” 

“Not very long,” Junmyeon repeats. 

“How many souls have you moved?” Sehun asks. 

Junmyeon lets the everlight zip back to his belt when he’s finished with the golden watering can, fixing his hair with his hand as he turns back towards the door. Sehun follows him like a big wolf puppy. Saja leaps into Sehun’s arms. Traitor. 

“None so far,” Junmyeon admits. 

“Are you bad at your job?” Sehun asks. “Or does it just so happen that I’m your first?” 

Junmyeon feels himself color, but they go down the ladder together. He lets it go unsaid. _Yes, you are my first._

_No, I don’t think I would be here if it wasn’t for you._

_I think I was meant for this task because you taught me how to forgive. How to forget._

_But there is no forgetting, not when it comes to love._

_I can’t forget you._

_I couldn’t let you go._   
  


≎

_  
**00y 00m 01d**  
_

_They meet at a crowded house party. Junmyeon is more concerned about completing his degree than meeting someone, but you meet people when you least expect it, when you’re least concerned. When you’re open, and you don’t know it. When you’re ready, but think you’re too fragile._

_Junmyeon is on his way to the bathroom when he stumbles across the boy sitting in the chair, slumped down onto the table, out cold. Empty bottles strewn around him, shot glasses and smoke. No one seems to be doing anything about him just lying there. No one seems concerned._

_Junmyeon goes to him, hand on his shoulder._

_“Hey,” Junmyeon says, trying to rouse him. “Hey, are you okay?”_

_The boy stirs, and he looks up at Junmyeon with glassy, drunk eyes. He looks so young. Barely of age._

_“How old are you?” Junmyeon asks._

_“Twenty,” the boy says, not so much a boy. “I’m twenty years old.”_

_“Don’t drink like this again,” Junmyeon says. “Something bad might happen to you.”_

_“Hyung,” the boy says. “Hyung, help me home, okay?”_

_Junmyeon frowns looking down at him. He is sweaty with alcohol, but he is beautiful._

_Junmyeon sticks out his hand, and he pulls the boy to his feet. He wobbles, throwing his arm around Junmyeon’s shoulder, and Junmyeon shoulders his weight. He’s skinny, but not exactly light. There’s too much of him to be light._

_“Hyung, what’s your name?” the boy asks. “What do I call you, hyung?”_

_“You can just call me hyung,” Junmyeon says. “Okay?”_

_“I’m Sehun, hyung. My name is Oh Sehun.”_

_“Okay,” Junmyeon says, and he walks them towards the door, moving him gently through the crowds. “Tell me where you live.”_

_“I live at home,” Sehun says as if that helps at all._

_“Where’s home?”_

_“Songpa,” Sehun says. “Can you get me to Songpa, hyung?”_

_“Yeah, I’ll get you home,” Junmyeon says, and he hails a cab once they’re out on the street. “Don’t get sick, okay?”_

_“I won’t.”_

_“My jacket is new,” Junmyeon says. “Okay?”_

_“I hear you.” Sehun stares at him as they wait for the cab to pull up alongside them. “You’re sexy, hyung.”_

_Junmyeon rolls his eyes. “You’re fucked up.”_

_“You’re beautiful,” Sehun says. “And I like your jacket.”_

_“Thanks, it was expensive,” Junmyeon says, and he opens the door to the cab, pushing Sehun towards it before turning towards the driver._

_“What are you doing?” Sehun asks, pulling on him by the sleeve of his jacket. “Get in.”_

_“I’m sending you home,” Junmyeon says. “I don’t live in Songpa.”_

_“Come spend the night.”_

_“I don’t know you,” Junmyeon says._

_“Yeah, you do, hyung,” Sehun says._

_“Are you going somewhere, or are you just wasting my time?” the ahjussi asks, angry._

_Junmyeon waffles, but he’s been put on the spot. He gets in behind Sehun, and he gets Sehun to tell the driver where they’re going before he bows his head in apology. The driver makes a _hmph_ sound, and he turns up the radio as if to drown them out. _

_“I shouldn’t be doing this,” Junmyeon says._

_“Why not?_

_“I should go home,” Junmyeon says._

_Sehun lays his head on Junmyeon’s shoulder, and Junmyeon bites back his comment about his jacket._

_“Where’s home, hyung?”_

_“Not Songpa,” Junmyeon snorts._

_“Just for tonight,” Sehun says happily, “Songpa can be your home.”_

_They stumble through Sehun’s dark, quiet home to his room, and it smells like citrus and salt. No, like acid rain. Like snow on evergreens. Junmyeon breathes in deeply as Sehun turns his back to Junmyeon, stripping himself of his shirt and pants like they have known each other forever. Like this is not a boundary being broken, shattered between them like a sheet of wafer-thin ice._

_Junmyeon quickly turns his back on Sehun, determined not to take advantage of him._

_“Do you go to school?” Junmyeon asks, taking off his jacket._

_“Yeah,” Sehun says. “Seoul National.”_

_Junmyeon turns, shocked, and when his eyes land on Sehun, he gets another shock._

_Sehun is nearly naked, just wearing a pair of white boxer-briefs as he scratches at his shoulder. He practically glows in the low light. He stares at Junmyeon, and Junmyeon has the undeniable feeling that they share a moment of understanding there in Sehun’s bedroom._

_“You’re really cute, hyung,” Sehun says softly. “You go to Seoul too? What are you studying?”_

_“You should take better care of yourself,” Junmyeon judges. “You don’t know me, and you brought me to your home. A-And you’re drunk.”_

_“I’m sobering up,” Sehun says. “You wanna share the bed?”_

_It is too small for the two of them._

_“No,” Junmyeon says. “I’ll sleep on the floor.”_

_“Take the bed,” Sehun smiles. He sits, legs folded. “Get comfortable.”_

_Junmyeon sits, legs folded on Sehun’s bed._

_“Are you gonna be able to sleep?” Sehun asks._

_“I don’t know,” Junmyeon says. “I don’t… I don’t know why I came here. I don’t—”_

_“You don’t usually do stuff like this.”_

_Junmyeon stares down at him._

_“No. I don’t.”_

_“I’m special, then,” Sehun says, and he grabs for one of the pillows from his bed, slipping it to the floor before collapsing onto it. “You know how to make me feel special, hyung.”_

_Sehun’s face is red, and the blush is slipping down down his neck and chest. Junmyeon… Junmyeon looks away, turning his back to Sehun as he curls up on the bed, not even bothering to get under the covers. As soon as day breaks, he tells himself, he’ll call a cab. He’ll get himself home._   
  


≎

There is a mountain, and at the base of the mountain, there is a shrine.

“Sounds good,” Sehun says, drinking his afternoon coffee. “Let’s go.” 

“I might have to collect some things,” Junmyeon warns. “It might not all be relaxation and fun and stuff.” 

“I don’t mind. I’ll wait for you.” 

Junmyeon’s heart tenses inside his chest as he routes their trip, sends the boat humming towards their destination. The bow cuts through the water effortlessly, and they stand at the stern, staring at the world disappearing behind them. 

“Sometimes I wonder why I’m here,” Sehun says, and Junmyeon looks at him. 

The wolf looks contemplative as he stares out over the great oceans, and Junmyeon bites a smile. 

“Yeah?” 

“Sometimes I think… maybe it’s just because hyung wanted me here,” Sehun says, and he looks particularly wolfish as he shifts his eyes to look at Junmyeon. “Maybe hyung just got lonely without me.” 

“Shut up,” Junmyeon says, and he bumps his shoulder into Sehun’s sharply. 

Sehun takes him in his arms, though, and he rests the nearly empty coffee mug against Junmyeon’s back as he embraces him. The warmth seeps into Junmyeon easily, eats him up. 

“You remember when we met?” Sehun asks. 

“Yeah, I remember.” 

“I think about that a lot.”  
  


≎

_  
**01y 02m 22d**  
_

_It’s funny. When things are good, they are never better. Maybe, he lets himself think, maybe he meant it. Maybe things would be different this time around._

_“Hyung,” Sehun calls from the doorway. “I got hotteok.”_

_Junmyeon’s stomach clenches with want._

_Sehun kicks off his shoes, jacket still wrapped around him, the scarf Junmyeon bought him after their second date wrapped around his neck. His hair is ruffled, like he was wearing a hat, and his cheeks are pink. He’s holding the little paper cups full of the pancakes, and Junmyeon is overcome._

_This will be different. He can feel it. He knows it will be._

_“Are you okay, hyung?” Sehun asks._

_Junmyeon launches himself into Sehun’s arms, and Sehun nearly drops the cups as Junmyeon kisses him fiercely. They move back towards the bedroom, back towards Junmyeon’s bedroom. There is passion laced in everything. Every movement. Every sound. Every drop of bleeding color._

_He watches himself give his body to Sehun, and he watches Sehun give of himself right back. He nearly cries. It feels so good after so long._

_They eat the hotteok once it's nearly cold. One of the pancakes broke in the bottom of Junmyeon’s cup, leaking amber. Junmyeon frowns, but Sehun takes Junmyeon’s cup, reaches in, scoops up the cooling honey onto his fingertips, and feeds it to Junmyeon there on the bed._

_If this isn’t different than before, he tells himself, he doesn’t know if it would ever change._   
  


≎

The mountain stretches so high into the sky that when Junmyeon stares up at it, he has to shield his eyes from the sun. He squints, trying to see the summit, but it’s just too far up.

“This is beautiful,” Sehun says, and when Junmyeon turns, he is staring at the weeping cherry tree at the edge of the shrine. 

The ground is snowy white, and the tree is bare of leaves. It is beautiful, Junmyeon thinks, but he thinks it would be even more beautiful in the springtime. 

“Will you be all right if I leave you here for a while?” Junmyeon asks. 

“I can take care of myself,” Sehun says. 

Junmyeon knows that’s never been the case, but he’s too nice to say it. He turns with a smile, and for the better part of the day, he works to get the necessary supplies to give Sehun the home he deserves. Not just a house, but a home. Little finishing touches. A beautiful chest of drawers. A mirror. A bookcase and a chair for quiet moments. He lays little piles of minerals and metals and wood on the boat with a satisfied smile. He washes his hands in the ocean when all is said and done, rinsing the stone’s dust from his hands. Then, he heads back to the shrine. 

When he happens across Sehun again, he is sitting there, back against the trunk of the weeping cherry tree, staring at the stone shrine. There is a red rope strung from side to side, several wefts of red and white fabric along the base. There are words of an ancient language carved into the stone, and Junmyeon stares at it. He wishes he knew what it meant. 

“Are you finished?” Sehun asks. 

“Yeah,” Junmyeon says. 

“We could stay a while if you wanted.” 

Junmyeon looks at him carefully. 

“Is that what you want?” 

Sehun shrugs his shoulders. “What do you want, hyung?” 

“I asked what you wanted,” Junmyeon says. 

Sehun looks at the shrine, stone and fabric and words. 

“We can stay for a while,” Sehun says. “If you don’t mind.” 

Junmyeon walks over, and he sits down next to Sehun. He rests his head on Sehun’s shoulder the way he did a million times before, but now, it feels different and not just because of the fur. 

“Can I say something?” Sehun asks. 

“Of course.” 

“I’ve been thinking a lot,” Sehun says. “I think I might be part of the reason you were called to this.” 

Junmyeon bites his lip. “Why do you say that?” 

“I think I called you. I think you came because I called. And I’m sorry.” 

Junmyeon nuzzles into Sehun’s shoulder. “Don’t be sorry. I’m glad you called.” 

“I didn’t want this for you,” Sehun whispers. “After all you’ve done for me, after everything you went through because of me—”

“Be quiet,” Junmyeon says. “Just be quiet.” 

“I thought this was about introspection,” Sehun says, and his voice sounds light, airy. Something like a yesterday. 

“Yeah, introspect,” Junmyeon says, and he closes his eyes, using Sehun as a pillow. “Go ahead.”  
  


≎

_  
**00y 00m 02d**  
_

_The afternoon splinters around them, the golden light pouring through the window. Junmyeon must have fallen asleep at some point in the night, but he can’t remember exactly when. All he knows is that, at some point in the night, Sehun migrated from the floor to the bed. And now… now his body is tight around Junmyeon’s, hugging him close._

_“Sehun,” Junmyeon says, and he pokes Sehun on the hand where it rests on Junmyeon’s stomach. “Sehun.”_

_He feels when Sehun wakes, sucking in air and moaning softly._

_“Hyung?”_

_“You’re in the bed,” Junmyeon says. “When did you come up here?”_

_“I don’t remember,” Sehun says. “I’m sorry.”_

_Junmyeon wants to move. Tells himself to move._

_“It’s okay,” he says. “I should go.”_

_“Stay for breakfast.”_

_“I think it’s one.”_

_“In the morning?”_

_“In the afternoon,” Junmyeon says. “I should go.”_

_“Stay for lunch.”_

_“You don’t know me,” Junmyeon says. “You don’t know my name.”_

_“Only because you haven’t told me, hyung.”_

_Junmyeon looks back over his shoulder, and before he can stop himself, he turns his body to face Sehun in the tiny bed. They are so close he can feel the heat leaping from Sehun to Junmyeon. Is he always so warm? Even in the winter?_

_“I like you, hyung,” Sehun says. “You’re the only person who helped me.”_

_“I thought you were gonna die.”_

_“Thank you for getting me home,” Sehun says softly, and he reaches down, holding Junmyeon by the hands. “Let me do something to make it up to you, okay? Let me buy you food or something. Coffee.”_

_Junmyeon looks off, studies the details of Sehun’s bedroom that he didn’t the night before. Posters and bookshelves and various little trinkets. Memories. He’s sure they all have memories._

_“Coffee sounds nice,” Junmyeon says._

_Sehun’s eyes light up, and Junmyeon… honestly, he thinks he’s a little in love just from that moment on. Sehun grabs his phone from his bedside table, battery nearly dead, but he hands it to Junmyeon. Junmyeon puts in his number, leaving his contact information labelled only as _hyung_ before getting out of Sehun’s bed, threading himself back into his clothes. Sehun is silent, just watching him as he grabs his things. _

_Junmyeon hesitates by the door. He figures… he’ll need to tell him eventually._

_“My name is Junmyeon,” he says softly. “So I’ll… I’ll see you around, okay?”_

_Junmyeon walks out of the house and gets into the cab, and he lets his head thump against the glass of the window. He’s so stupid sometimes. So reckless._

_It felt nice to be in someone’s arms._   
  


≎

They’re quiet the whole way back to the ship, and Junmyeon rows, rows, rows his little boat as Sehun stares out over the blistering red water. They’re close to the Everdoor, Junmyeon realizes. Too close. They’re not ready yet. Sehun will know when it’s time.

Junmyeon’s eyes fill, and he sniffs. 

He wonders what Sehun’s thinking sometimes. 

“I never took it easy on you, did I?” Sehun says. 

“No more apologies, please,” Junmyeon says. 

“I’m not apologizing,” Sehun says, “just reminiscing now.” He looks at Junmyeon with a wry grin, the wolf’s teeth sharp. “I look back at that time, and I think _Wow, Junmyeon really knew everything, didn’t he?_ ” He looks away, paw curled up under his chin. “I made you teach me how to be a person. And then… and then I didn’t even realize that it was you. I didn’t—I don’t know, hyung. I thought I knew everything.” 

“I know,” Junmyeon smiles. “That’s why I liked you.” 

Sehun laughs softly. “You were always sweet. Even when you were being mean.” 

“You deserved it sometimes.” 

“Yeah, I know,” Sehun says. “I’m glad… I’m glad you weren’t too scared to tell me no. I’m glad you said no sometimes. It wouldn’t have been the same if you’d said yes all the time.” 

Junmyeon swallows thickly. “I’m glad too.” 

Time passes as they float gently towards the ship. It gets bigger every day that they spend together. Junmyeon builds it up from nothing. They’ve got a kitchen, bedrooms, a garden, a foundry, a loom, a sawmill. A field full of apple trees. It’s something special, he thinks. Blooming like a flower. Unfurling into the soil. 

They’re climbing up the ladder, and Sehun turns back, looking down at Junmyeon with a smile. 

“Hyung, remember my remission? Remember how happy we were?” 

It wasn’t remission, not really. Doctors only ever referred to it as “controlled” or sometimes “stable”, but Junmyeon doesn’t correct him. It’s not really the time. 

“Yeah, I remember.” 

“I think about that sometimes,” Sehun says. “The way we kissed then. Like we were finally free. Like everything was finally exactly the way it was supposed to be for us. Like we’d finally made it.” 

He hurries up the ladder, and Junmyeon follows him, the most familiar tidal wave of emotion washing over him. He knows the name of these waters. Love.  
  


≎

_  
**00y 06m 11d**  
_

_He finds little cracks in the foundations all the time now, things to resent about Sehun every single day that they’re together. It builds in him like rain pouring from dark clouds. Those are symbols, he thinks. Dark clouds in the summertime._

_He’s too young, Junmyeon thinks. They’re in two different areas of their lives. Junmyeon is focused. Controlled. Sehun is the opposite. And maybe one day he would calm down, maybe one day he would relax, but it wasn’t going to be anytime soon. Sehun wanted to be free. Sehun saw fruit, ripe and red, and he wanted to taste._

_They are in bed, Junmyeon’s bed, and Sehun is poking at his phone. Junmyeon knows Sehun isn’t completely happy. Knows there’s something between them. Something with thorns._

_He’s always been the type to bleed first._

_“I was thinking of going to the river today,” Junmyeon says. “Maybe do some reading.” Sehun does not look up. “Go to a cafe on the way home?”_

_Sehun looks over. “Oh. Yeah. Let’s get coffee.”_

_“It’s hot,” Junmyeon whines, and he grabs Sehun’s arm, hugging it to his naked body._

_“Iced coffee,” Sehun hums happily._

_“All right.”_

_He patches over things. That’s what he likes to do. He doesn’t wanna lose Sehun._   
  


≎

Sehun holds Saja in his arms as they walk through the city. Shadows of other souls haunt the place, but they aren’t scary, they don’t feel _threatening_ at all. More just… like they’re stuck. A sorrow about them, yes, but no horror to be found.

“You know what I could go for?” Sehun says suddenly, turning to Junmyeon as they saunter. 

“What?” 

“Apple pie,” Sehun says. “Dutch apple pie.” 

Caramel and brown sugar and butter, Junmyeon thinks. He thinks back to their little apartment near the hospital. The diner. The recipe he followed. Flour on his hands. He brought it to their appointments, and everyone had a slice. Back then, he couldn’t stomach it. Too nervous. Sehun never ate any either, not until they were home and he was recovering. 

“I’ll make some,” Junmyeon says. “We’ve got plenty of apples.” 

Sehun smiles, and he uses a paw to comb his fur back away from his face. “Apple pie and coffee.” 

“Great combination,” Junmyeon judges. 

They go to the bench, and they sit there for a while, watching the world turn around them. Junmyeon breathes in, breathes out, and Saja sits between them. The wolf, the cat, and the spiritfarer. 

“Thank you.” 

Junmyeon looks over to Sehun, and Sehun is staring at him. 

“For what?” 

“For still caring,” Sehun says, and he reaches his big arm over, throwing it over Junmyeon’s shoulder. 

He’s so warm, it makes Junmyeon melt like ice.  
  


≎

_  
**21y 08m 15d**  
_

_Sehun comes over for breakfast, so Junmyeon makes him egg toast. Sehun sits at the table, back against the window overlooking the dreary city, and he drinks his coffee as Junmyeon brings his plate over, smiling weakly when Junmyeon puts it in front of him._

_This will be tense, he knows. He prefers to rip it off like a bandage._

_“So… so tell me exactly what’s going on,” Junmyeon says. “Tell me what the doctors say. What kind of… you know.”_

_“It’s, uh, it’s a blood cancer,” Sehun says. “I don’t know the name. It’s, um, it’s the kind that doesn’t show up for a while. It just waits, you know.”_

_“How bad is it?”_

_“It’s bad, hyung,” Sehun says softly. “S-Stage three. A-And they say that… well, I’ve read a little. They said, you know, most of the time, people don’t know until it’s like this. Until it’s late. Not unless you have other issues. And they’re testing you often.”_

_Junmyeon can’t feel his hands and he can’t hear, so shell-shocked. He immediately launches into his protocols, the list of things he does whenever things go wrong. Question. Question everything. Review it and review it again._

_“You don’t get your blood tested often?” Junmyeon asks. “We’re old now.”_

_“I don’t go to the doctor’s if I can help it.”_

_“Well, look where that fucking landed you,” Junmyeon spits, and immediately, he regrets it. “I’m sorry, I just—”_

_“No, it’s okay,” Sehun says. “I know. I should have… I should have gone sooner. I had this…” and he turns to the side, showing Junmyeon his neck, the lump there, “and I knew something was wrong, but I just… hoped it would go away.”_

_Junmyeon reaches forward, takes his coffee cup in his hand for want of something to do. “So, what are the treatment options?”_

_“I’m going to America,” Sehun blurts out. “I’m going… I’m going to a hospital in America.”_

_“W-Why?” Junmyeon asks. “Can’t they handle it here? I’m sure they have the same things.”_

_“They said… they said that I have a mutation,” Sehun says. “A different form. Something happened, I don’t know.” He ruffles his hands through his hair. “They said it’s… it’s called Richter’s something. Transformation. A-And they specialize in treating patients like me there.”_

_“S-So you’re leaving,” Junmyeon says. “You’re going to America.”_

_Sehun’s eyes are glassy, and Junmyeon can’t help but look at him helplessly._

_“Yeah,” Sehun says. “I… I’m only 41. I’m so… I thought I had a lot of time left, you know?”_

_“Shut up,” Junmyeon says, cutting through everything like a knife. “You do have time left.”_

_“If they can’t fix this, I don’t,” Sehun says, and his mouth sounds so dry. “They’re gonna try to… transplant bone marrow. They said that could be, you know, good for me.”_

_“Then that’s what you’ll do,” Junmyeon says, squinting, skin crawling with adrenaline. “You’ll get the transplant, and you’ll be okay.”_

_Sehun goes quiet for a moment, and for that moment, all Junmyeon can hear is blood._

_“Can I… Can I tell you something?”_

_“Yeah,” Junmyeon says. “You can tell me anything.”_

_“I don’t want to go without you,” Sehun whispers. “And I know I have no business asking this of you, not after everything, but… but hyung, I miss you. I missed you all the time. I regret… I regret so much of my life because I spent it without you.”_

_This is the moment when everything breaks. He was holding it together so well._

_Junmyeon’s mouth falls open, and he covers it immediately with his hand so that he can stop himself from sobbing. He squeezes his eyes shut hard, sees stars. He’s wanted to hear Sehun say that for so long. And now… _now_ of all times. _

_“Don’t cry,” Sehun says. “I’m sorry. I—”_

_“How could you come here and… and do this to me? Say these things to me? Now. Now?”_

_“I’m sorry,” Sehun says. “It’s… I didn’t know who else to ask.”_

_Junmyeon puts his head on his folded hands. He doesn’t know what he prays for. A sign, he guesses._

_“Should I leave you alone?” Sehun asks._

_“No, don’t go,” Junmyeon says, and he sits up straight, clearing his throat before rubbing at his eyes. “No, you can stay. You should stay. I’m just… I’m not gonna make a decision spur of the moment. This is… I love you, you know I love you.”_

_“I know, hyung.”_

_“But this is unfair.”_

_“I know,” Sehun says. “I… I wish you knew how sorry I was.”_

_“I’m tired of hearing it,” Junmyeon says. “Because… because that’s all I ever hear. How sorry you are.”_

_“I’m tired of having to apologize.”_

_“Then stop doing shit like this,” Junmyeon says. “Stop being such a fucking _child_.” _

_Sehun looks down, and Junmyeon knows, of course, that he is crying. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster for him, and Junmyeon has only been on the track for the last stretch._

_“I’m sorry,” Junmyeon says._

_“No,” Sehun says. “You’re right. I should… I should go. I shouldn’t have come.”_

_“Don’t say that just to make me feel bad.”_

_“You always do that, hyung,” Sehun says suddenly, and he looks up, face wet with tears. “You tell me to stop apologizing, to fix what I’m doing, and then when I try, you tell me I’m only doing it to make you feel bad.” He blinks, and more tears slip down his face. “What do you want from me, hyung? What do you really want? Am I supposed to be a bad guy my whole life? Until I fucking die?”_

_Junmyeon looks past him, out the window. The clouds are white, and his eyes hurt so bad that it looks like snow is falling, dotting the grey sky._

_This is the sign, he thinks. If there’s a sign, this is it._

_“No,” Junmyeon says. “You’re right. And… and I’m sorry. I still just—I resent you some days.”_

_“You have no idea how much I resent myself,” Sehun says softly. He leans his head back against the glass, and he shuts his eyes. “Every time I close my eyes, I see the future that we could have had. We had so much time, and I wasted it all.”_

_“No, you didn’t.”_

_“I did.”_

_“No,” Junmyeon says. “We still have time.”_

_“It’s over,” Sehun whispers. “I know it’s over.”_

_“I’ll come with you.”_

_Sehun opens his eyes, and he looks at Junmyeon across the table. “What?”_

_“I’ll come with you.”_

_“D-Don’t you need time to think? You just said—”_

_“No,” Junmyeon says._

_“Shouldn’t you? Take time?”_

_“No,” Junmyeon says. “I’ve thought enough for one lifetime.”_

_“Have you ever been to America before?” Sehun asks._

_“No,” Junmyeon says. “I was waiting. And I guess… well, now I’ve waited long enough. We’ll go together.”_

_Sehun smiles so brightly, Junmyeon can look past all the pain in his eyes. The front of his shirt is soaked. Junmyeon should get him a new one._

_“You won’t regret it, hyung,” Sehun says. “I promise. You won’t.”_   
  


≎

They have their coffee on the prow, and Sehun smiles out at the open ocean.

“I never thought that you’d come,” Sehun says. “I didn’t even think you’d answer my text.” 

“How could I not?” Junmyeon says. “You were—I always knew it would be you. Even if it hurt. Even though sometimes I didn’t want it to be true.” 

“I think, sometimes, you liked that about me,” Sehun says, and he takes a sip of his coffee. “That I put you through shit. You liked feeling—”

“Yeah,” Junmyeon says, coming to the sudden realization. “I liked feeling like I was making a sacrifice for something. It made me feel useful. Useful and—” 

“Angry,” Sehun fills in. “You were angry a lot, but you’d never say.” 

“I know,” Junmyeon says. “I’m sorry.” 

“It wasn’t your fault,” Sehun says. “Early on, we… we fed off that, didn’t we? It worked for us.” 

Junmyeon laughs out. “It didn’t work.” 

“But we did it over and over again,” Sehun smiles. “Why? I don’t know.” 

“Because the sex was good,” Junmyeon says, and his stomach plummets with warmth.

“Yeah,” Sehun says. “And maybe because deep down, we knew it was really love. And we couldn’t get better until we had some time apart.” 

“Did we get better?” 

“Do you think about the end?” Sehun asks. “I think it was better at the end. And maybe it was sad, but… but I was so happy too.”  
  


≎

_  
**06y 02m 18d**  
_

_They crash into Junmyeon’s bed, and it is furious and hot the way Junmyeon has been aching for. Sehun’s never had a problem fucking him, never had a problem giving it to him exactly the way he wants it. Sometimes Junmyeon likes it hard. Sometimes he wants it to hurt. Sometimes he wants to cry._

_“Fuck, you’re so fucking hot,” Sehun whispers, pumping his hips as Junmyeon cries. “Do you fuck other people?”_

_“No,” Junmyeon says. “Just you.”_

_“Yeah,” Sehun smiles, and he collapses onto Junmyeon, covering him with the veil of his warmth. “Just me, hyung. Only me. Don’t fuck anyone else.”_

_Junmyeon bites Sehun’s shoulder as Sehun rocks into him, the sound of their skin lewd in the otherwise quiet room. They fuck like that, words they can’t say, things they can’t admit. Guttural noise. Basic and primal. They crave. They desire. Junmyeon wants so much more, and he can never say._

_Sehun’s thrusts are erratic and hard, and Junmyeon locks his ankles around Sehun’s waist as if to say_ Stay just a little longer. Be with me.

_Sehun comes inside him, and Junmyeon follows him over the edge, wet across his stomach. He closes his eyes, hands in Sehun’s hair, and the cat wanders in when they’re through._

_Saja jumps onto the bed as Junmyeon tries to catch his breath, as Sehun kisses him quickly on the cheek._

_Sehun falls off him, throwing on his underwear and gathering the cat into his arms. Junmyeon is immediately left cold in the absence of Sehun’s overwhelming, fiery warmth._

_“You still talking to Jiho?” Sehun asks, and he grabs his phone, playing with it with one hand, stroking Saja with the other._

_“No,” Junmyeon says softly. “Are you talking to anyone? Besides me?”_

_“Come on, hyung,” Sehun says cheekily. “You know I don’t kiss and tell.”_

_Junmyeon regrets. Sehun’s come is still inside him, and he regrets._

_He goes to the bathroom, and he cleans himself up. By the time he gets back, Sehun is staring at him, phone back on the table._

_“You’re pissed,” Sehun says._

_“Yeah, of course I am,” Junmyeon says._

_“I was joking. Come on.”_

_“Why would I think that’s funny?”_

_Sehun rolls his eyes, and Junmyeon thinks he does it just to get a rise out of him. Just to push his buttons. Junmyeon’s got a lot when it comes to Sehun._

_“If you want me to stop coming, just say so,” Sehun says._

_Sehun gives him options that aren’t options. Choices that aren’t choices._

_“If you want someone else, then just leave,” Junmyeon says._

_“When did I say I wanted anyone else?”_

_“That’s always been your problem,” Junmyeon says. “That’s always been_ our _problem.”_

_“No, it’s been_ your _problem,” Sehun says. “You never think I love you enough.”_

_“Well, would it fucking kill you to love me more?” Junmyeon asks, and he is alarmed at the way tears spring to his eyes. “Fuck.”_

_“Hyung.”_

_“No,” Junmyeon says._

_“_ Hyung. _”_

_Junmyeon looks at him, and Sehun gently pushes the cat to the side. Saja moves, exits the room, and Junmyeon looks at Sehun, confused. Is it such a crime, to love someone so much that you want them to want you, only you until the end of time?_

_“Come to bed,” Sehun says._

_“Why should I?”_

_“Because I love you,” Sehun says. “Because I don’t fuck around with anyone else.”_

_“You’re lying,” Junmyeon says._

_“I’m not,” Sehun whispers. “I’d never lie.”_

_Junmyeon wants to believe him. Doesn’t think he can ever trust him fully._

_Is it really love if you can’t trust them?_

_Junmyeon goes to Sehun, takes as much warmth as he can manage. Sehun presses a kiss to his forehead, cuddles him close. It’s so cold outside. Junmyeon will take what he can get._   
  


≎

The pie comes out well, and Sehun sits down excitedly on his bed when Junmyeon hands him a slice.

“I’ve been dreaming about this,” Sehun says. “Ever since I died, I’ve been dreaming about your pie.” 

Junmyeon rolls his eyes, secretly quite touched. He sits next to Sehun, their thighs pressed up against each other, and Junmyeon watches him, smiling. This is the kind of thing he missed when Sehun was gone. Just this. Companionship. 

“You’re being awfully quiet,” Sehun says, nearly half finished already. He spears a slice of apple onto his fork, lets it drip caramelized sugar onto the plate before lifting it to his mouth. “What are you thinking about?” 

“I’ve been thinking a lot about the past.” 

Sehun snorts, and he lifts another bite to his lip. Buttery crust. Flaky and brown. 

“You and me both,” Sehun says. “What are you thinking about specifically?” 

Junmyeon watches as he finishes his pie, setting the empty plate down onto the little wooden bedside table. He can barely feel the ship move underfoot as he watches Sehun grab for his coffee mug. Sweet and black. 

“I was wondering,” Junmyeon says. “Did you ever cheat on me?” 

Sehun nearly spits out his coffee.

“Are you kidding?” he asks. 

“No,” Junmyeon says. “It, uh, it always ate at me.” 

“Yeah, I remember,” Sehun says flatly. “I just can’t believe you’re still not sure.” 

“I figured… you know, this would be the best time to ask, once and for all.” Sehun shakes his head with a smile. “What?” 

“This is as much about me as it is about _you_ ,” Sehun says. “No, I never cheated on you, hyung. Did I cut it a little close once or twice? Yeah, I guess I did. Did I see too many people in between when we were together? Maybe, I guess. And I’m sorry for that. But once I… once I turned thirty, once we broke it off for good, and then you started seeing Dehan—hyung, I never thought about anyone else. Nobody but you. By then, honestly… it felt like it was too late.” 

“Really?” Junmyeon asks, heart soaring. 

“Hyung, in the back of my mind, I always knew it was you,” Sehun says. “I never doubted my love for you for a second.” 

“Then why look for anyone else?” Junmyeon asks. “Why… why waste time in the first place?” 

Sehun shrugs sadly, takes a sip of his coffee. “I guess I was just a dumb kid. Looking for more when… when more was always right in front of me.” He smiles at Junmyeon, and there is despair in him. “You were always more than I gave you credit for.” 

Junmyeon lets his head fall onto Sehun’s shoulder. 

“Does that put you at ease?” Sehun teases. 

“After all these years,” Junmyeon says, “yes.”  
  


≎

_  
**00y 00m 28d**  
_

_They dance around each other for a while, and Junmyeon chalks that up to the Getting To Know You Phase. Chalks it up to him being him._

_Mostly every Wednesday morning, they meet at the edge of campus. There’s a bench at the start of the hiking trail near one of Sehun’s buildings, and Junmyeon goes there. Sehun brings the coffee. It’s cold, cold enough for Junmyeon to need mittens. He wears those and a little hat. Sehun just wears a light jacket._

_“Don’t you get cold?” he asks. “You should bundle up more. You’ll get sick.”_

_“I run hot,” Sehun says with a smile, and he passes Junmyeon his coffee. “How was class, hyung?”_

_“Did you get it with milk and sugar?” Junmyeon asks._

_“Yes, yes, I remembered,” Sehun says. “How was class?”_

_“It was shitty,” Junmyeon says before clearing his throat, looking at Sehun. “H-How was yours?”_

_“Shitty,” Sehun smiles. “You’re so cute, hyung.”_

_Junmyeon turns sharply, and he can feel his face coloring. “Don’t say stuff like that.”_

_“Why not? You like it, don’t you?”_

_“That’s beside the point,” Junmyeon says._

_“I love your sweaters,” Sehun says, and he reaches forward, peels Junmyeon’s jacket open just a touch to bear the black turtleneck to the frigid open air. “They’re so adorable.”_

_“Quit it.” Junmyeon swats at Sehun’s hand, making him laugh. He points at Sehun’s coffee cup sternly. “Drink.”_

_“Okay, okay,” Sehun says, and he lifts the paper cup to his mouth, blowing over the plastic lid. “I’m glad we do this.”_

_“Me too,” Junmyeon says. “Honestly.”_

_“We could go somewhere else, though,” Sehun says._

_Junmyeon looks around at the snow falling from the clouds._

_It never quite sticks._

_“I like it here,” Junmyeon says._

_“But you hate the cold,” Sehun says._

_“I don’t hate it.”_

_“You don’t_ love _it,” Sehun says. “You wanna know why I think we come here?”_

_“Why?” Junmyeon challenges._

_“I think maybe we meet here because you’re scared that if we’re inside, alone, you might let me kiss you,” Sehun says with a charming smile._

_Junmyeon looks away._

_“Your ears are red,” Sehun notes._

_“Drink your coffee.”_

_“Okay, hyung.”_   
  


≎

There is a town called New Brunsfeld, and it is nothing but electric signs and one small shop. Sehun and Junmyeon stand on the rowboat, and they stare up at the advertisements. It is by far the scariest place that they’ve journeyed together. The signs buzz like hornets, and they scream with color. Every shade imaginable. It is loud to look at.

Sehun puts his paw down between their bodies, and Junmyeon takes it in his hand as Saja’s back arches in fear in front of them. 

Distantly, this place reminds Junmyeon of America. 

It is bright and dull and full and empty. 

“We should go someplace else,” Sehun says. “I don’t like it here.” 

“No, me neither,” Junmyeon says. “It’s not like what I thought it would be.” 

“You can shop for some seeds if you need them,” Sehun says. “I’ll wait here with Saja.” 

Saja easily jumps into Sehun’s arms, the two of them cowering as Junmyeon ventures onto the steel platform on his own. He crosses to the shop, and he purchases some tea seeds, some rice, and of course, more coffee seeds. 

He heads back to the rowboat as soon as the transaction is complete, and Sehun looks very funny standing there. 

The big bad wolf with his little yellow cat. 

“What are you laughing at?” Sehun asks indignantly. 

“Nothing,” Junmyeon says. “Come on. Let’s get home.”  
  


≎

_  
**21y 10m 31d**  
_

_Junmyeon has made his arrangements for when they’re due to leave. They’ll be going for three months, and they’ll reassess after that. He’s lucky in that he can work remotely, but dealing with his things…_

_“Get rid of stuff,” Sehun says weakly, and he is in the middle of sorting through Junmyeon’s old college things, notebook after notebook tumbling with words, numbers, formulas. “Let it go.”_

_“I don’t like throwing things away,” Junmyeon says, and he nudges the plastic container over to Sehun with his toe. “In there.”_

_“What do you need these things for anymore?” Sehun asks, ignoring Junmyeon completely as he shuffles through binders. “ _Discrete Data Analysis and Lab_.” _

_“I dunno. Just might need them.”_

_“You hang onto things too long.”_

_Junmyeon looks at him._

_“Yeah, maybe.”_

_Sehun looks up from the notebook, glaring at Junmyeon. It makes Junmyeon laugh, and Sehun chucks the notebook in the bin, filling it up with the rest of his things. They work steadily, quietly. Junmyeon will get a storage unit for his things. He doesn’t mind the fee, but Sehun said he’d pay for it._

_It’s not about the money. It never has been._

_“Why’d you break up with him?” Sehun asks suddenly._

_It catches Junmyeon by surprise, so he struggles for an answer._

_“I don’t know,” Junmyeon says._

_“You were together a long time,” Sehun says. “Right?”_

_“Yeah,” Junmyeon says, carefully does_ not _add_ six years. Six consecutive years _._

_“So… why?”_

_Junmyeon’s mouth is dry as Sehun looks at him. The line of his neck… shadows call him home._

_“I don’t know,” Junmyeon says. “I didn’t want to marry him.”_

_Sehun smiles at him, and he puts another book into the bin._

_“You wanna marry me, hyung?” He hums annoyingly._

_Junmyeon scoffs, the moment broken cleanly in two. He’s grateful. He’d hate to have to answer honestly._   
  


≎

Even now, he knows that they are wasting away the days. The sun rises and sets, and they’ve not done anything but talk. But live. They’re taking time that doesn’t belong to them.

“You worry too much,” Sehun says, and he sits on the edge of the ship, his foot paws dangling in the water. “Way too much.” 

“I just don’t know when I’m supposed to—”

“Take me to my ultimate resting place?” Sehun smiles. “I’ll know.” 

“You’ll know?” 

“I’ll know,” Sehun says. 

“And I just _trust_ you?” 

Sehun looks at him and smiles. He wraps his arm around Junmyeon’s shoulders, and he hugs him close as they sit there. Feet in the cold water. 

“Yeah,” Sehun says. “Can you manage that, hyung? Trusting me?” 

“New for me,” Junmyeon says. 

“No, come on,” Sehun snorts. “You dropped everything for me. When I needed you, you came. If that isn’t trust, what is?” 

Junmyeon closes his eyes. 

He doesn’t have a good answer. 

“So just enjoy,” Sehun continues. “Enjoy the time we get.” 

“All right,” Junmyeon says. 

“Happy?” 

“Yeah,” Junmyeon says. “I’m happy.”  
  


≎

_  
**17y 01m 06d**  
_

_It is one in the morning, and Junmyeon has work tomorrow. Technically, today._

_He sees the number on the display, and he wonders if Sehun never changed it just so that, whenever he had the urge to call, Junmyeon would know it was him._

_“What’s wrong?” Dehan asks, soft with sleep._

_“Nothing,” Junmyeon says. “Getting a phone call.”_

_“Is everything all right?”_

_“Yeah. Go back to sleep,” Junmyeon smiles, and he peels back the covers, heads into the living room._

_Moonlight steals into the dim room, and Junmyeon stands by the window, forehead pressed against the chill as he answers._

_“Hyung,” Sehun says. “Hyung, where are you?”_

_“I’m home,” Junmyeon entertains. “Where are you?”_

_“I’m drinking. I’m on the street. It’s fucking freezing,” Sehun says. “I wanted hotteok, but everywhere was closed.”_

__No shit _, Junmyeon thinks,_ It’s one in the morning. __

_“It’s a Sunday.”_

_“I’m off tomorrow,” Sehun says. “I was thinking about you, hyung.”_

_“Go home,” Junmyeon says. “Call a cab, and go home.”_

_“Remember when we met? Remember home? Remember Songpa?”_

_Junmyeon closes his eyes, and he taps his forehead against the glass of the window. Snow pours from the open black sky._

_“I remember,” Junmyeon answers._

_“My mom still lives there. We could visit sometime. She misses you, hyung. She never liked anyone but you.”_

_Junmyeon swallows over knives._

_“I’m with someone,” Junmyeon says. “I live with him.”_

_“I know, hyung,” Sehun says. “I hate him.”_

_“You don’t know him.”_

_“He’s with you,” Sehun says. “I hate him.”_

_Junmyeon smiles weakly. “You’re really drunk, huh?”_

_“Not that drunk,” Sehun says. “Just miss you.”_

_“You shouldn’t call again,” Junmyeon says._

_“You want me to leave you alone? That’s what you told me last time.”_

_“Yeah,” Junmyeon says, and it doesn’t sound as definitive and sure as it should. “Please. Leave me alone. I’m happy with him.”_

_“All right, hyung, all right. I’m sorry I bothered you.”_

_The line goes dead, cold, and Junmyeon lowers the phone. He shuts his eyes so tight that when he opens them, he can’t tell the stars from the snow._   
  


≎

Junmyeon wakes, and when he goes to ring the bell, Sehun is standing there, paw on the rope. Saja trills, winding around his legs.

“What are you doing up so early?” Junmyeon asks, and he stretches, his little white sweater raising, exposing his skin to the cold sea air. 

“I was just thinking we could go somewhere,” Sehun says. “Do something.” 

Junmyeon frowns as Saja leaps into Sehun’s arms. 

“Don’t we do something every day?” Junmyeon asks. 

“I thought I could plan a date,” Sehun says. “If you must know.” 

Junmyeon’s stomach twists into knots. “What are you talking about?” 

“What do you mean, _what are you talking about?_ ” Sehun says. “A date. We go somewhere. We eat food. We talk. We hug.” 

“We do those things every day,” Junmyeon says. 

“Yeah, but this is a date,” Sehun says. 

“What makes it different?” 

“I try to kiss you,” Sehun whispers, and his smile is full of razors. 

Junmyeon rolls his eyes, shoving Sehun away as he collapses into a fit of giggles. He can’t pretend like he hasn’t thought about them. The way they were. They’re getting a chance. A chance to reminisce. A chance to remember. 

The lyrics have been sung, but the melody plays on. Notes crashing like cymbals. 

“Where do you wanna go?” Junmyeon asks. 

“Somewhere new,” Sehun says. “Let’s go someplace you've never been before.” 

He takes Junmyeon by the hand, careful with his claws as he leads Junmyeon into the control room. It’s so small, big enough just for the two of them, and Sehun has to duck just to watch as Junmyeon navigates the screen. 

“What about there?” Sehun asks, pointing off towards the shadowy lands unexplored. “We haven’t gone there yet.” 

“That’s where you wanna go?” Junmyeon asks. 

Sehun shrugs. “I don’t care where we go.” 

“But this… over here,” Junmyeon points. “What if it’s ugly?” 

“There’s a certain kind of romance in ugly things,” Sehun says wistfully. 

Junmyeon smiles, biting his lip as he sets their course.  
  


≎

_  
**00y 01m 13d**  
_

_Junmyeon doesn’t know if it’s such a good idea to let Sehun take him anywhere, let alone shopping for clothes. It feels too much like something a boyfriend would do, and Sehun isn’t a boyfriend. Sehun is some kid. Sehun is some beautiful kid._

_“Hyung, you should get another sweater,” Sehun says. “Something to keep you warm.”_

_“It has been cold,” Junmyeon notes. “Okay, fine. Help me pick a sweater.”_

_And so they look through racks of clothes, Sehun occasionally picking things out for Junmyeon to try on. By the end of it, he’s got two armfuls, gently leading the way as they walk back to the changing room. One of the women working at the store, she nods and smiles at them to head back._

_Sehun sits outside one of the stalls, arms holding all the sweaters out like he’s a clothes rack._

_“Try this one on first,” Sehun says, and he waves an oversized cable-knit sweater at Junmyeon._

_It’s white. Junmyeon takes it, holds it up against his body._

_“This is gonna wash me out. It’s winter.”_

_“Just try it on.”_

_Junmyeon rolls his eyes, but he closes the door behind him, pulling off his jacket and his long-sleeved shirt so that he can throw the sweater over his head. He looks at himself in the mirror, looks unimpressed. He opens the door, and he gives Sehun his best flat face._

_Sehun immediately steps forward into the changing room, dropping the rest of the sweaters to the floor as he moves to take Junmyeon in his arms. Junmyeon sucks in a shocked breath as Sehun pushes him against the wall, the door shut behind them._

_“You look like a fisherman,” Sehun says. “I love it.”_

_“No, I look stupid,” Junmyeon says._

_“No, no,” Sehun says, and he puts his hands on Junmyeon’s shoulders, spinning him so that he can look at himself in the mirror. He stands behind Junmyeon, hands soft on Junmyeon’s waist. “Look at you. So pretty, hyung.”_

_Sehun is too close to him, mouth so close to Junmyeon’s ear that Junmyeon can feel him breathing. It’s so warm. He feels so warm._

_“Look at me,” Sehun says, and his hand comes to Junmyeon’s neck, turning him slightly so that Junmyeon can look into Sehun’s eyes. They sparkle under the fluorescent lights. “Can I get it for you, hyung?”_

_“You want to buy me a sweater?” Junmyeon asks breathlessly._

_“Yeah,” Sehun says. “I wanna buy you everything.”_

_“Why?”_

_“I told you,” Sehun says. “I like you.” Sehun licks his lips, looks down at Junmyeon’s mouth. “Can I kiss you, hyung? Please?”_

_Junmyeon shuts his eyes, unable to look at him while he says it._

_“Yes,” Junmyeon whispers, and in the next moment, Sehun’s mouth is on his, soft and gentle and good, everything he’s been waiting for, everything he’s wanted and more._

_It grows in passion, in fervor, and Junmyeon gasps as he turns, arms around Sehun’s neck as they kiss, as Sehun licks into his mouth. Mint. Mint like he was planning on doing this. Like he came with the express purpose of finally kissing Junmyeon._

_“Do you need any help in there?” the woman asks, her voice echoing and making Junmyeon leap back from Sehun._

_“I think we found everything we’re looking for, thanks,” Sehun smiles, and he hurriedly picks up all the clothing from the floor, nodding at Junmyeon. “Get changed. I’ll buy you the sweater, and then… and then we can stop for coffee! Okay?”_

_“You’re making this sound like… like it’s a date or something,” Junmyeon says weakly._

_“It is a date, hyung,” Sehun frowns. “You didn’t know?”_

_“Sehun.”_

_“Coffee, okay?”_

_Junmyeon bites his lip, still warm with Sehun._

_“Okay,” he says._

_He watches as Sehun practically runs out of the dressing room. Junmyeon closes the door again, head swimming with snow._   
  


≎

They sail through a meteor shower, and the sky sparkles with iridescent light. Junmyeon is taken aback by the beauty, the magnitude of existence, of their after. Of beginnings and middles, but especially of ends.

Sehun stands behind Junmyeon, arms around Junmyeon’s waist as they stare up at the sky. 

“This is a nice start to the date,” Sehun says. “Don’t you think? Really romantic.” 

“Yeah,” Junmyeon says. “It’s very nice.” 

“It makes me think of… of all the times I kissed you at the river,” Sehun whispers, his fur tickling along Junmyeon’s neck. “Do you remember? Always at night.” 

“Yeah, I remember.” 

“I always looked at the stars, and I thought _Nothing is more beautiful than this_ ,” Sehun says. “And I still think I was right. All those times back then. So good.” 

Junmyeon closes his eyes, and he tightens his hands on Sehun’s paws. It’s stupid, it’s silly, but God, he will miss it when it’s gone.  
  


≎

_**22y 00m 05d** _

_They move in winter, and it is not exactly the ideal situation for them to be in. Sehun’s constitution is not good, and Junmyeon worries over him constantly._

_“I’m good,” Sehun says, hand on Junmyeon’s as they go to their new apartment, bags in the back of the cab. “I’m good, I promise.”_

_“You’re not scared?” Junmyeon asks._

_“I’m scared,” Sehun says. “But I’ve got you here with me. My little nurse.”_

_Junmyeon scoffs, but he supposes that’s not too far away from the truth. All of the appointments, all of the treatment discussions, the things to prepare for the move, Junmyeon has been going with Sehun. He’s got a notebook with all the information that Sehun used to try and keep in his head. Junmyeon is there to keep track._

_Sehun’s not great with English, but Junmyeon has gotten good enough to pick up the slack._

_They get to the apartment building, and Junmyeon pays their fare. Standing on the street with their last few bags, Junmyeon is overwhelmed by the knowledge that cities are cities, no matter where. People are trying to get where they’re going. They very rarely care about what you’re doing._

_“Let’s get upstairs. Settle in,” Sehun says._

_The apartment is empty except for boxes. Junmyeon is weary. This is so much work, and all that rests before them is medicine. Doctor’s visits. The unknown. He’s researched so much, but now… now it is real. Now everything is real._

_“Can we go lay down?” Sehun asks, just as the panic was beginning to drown everything out. Just then. Sehun smiles at him like he can look right through. See everything. “I’m kinda tired.”_

_Junmyeon looks at him, returning the smile softly. He arrives at the conclusion that no matter what, everything, _everything_ will be all right. They have each other, and that is always enough. _

_“Yeah, let’s go,” Junmyeon says. “We can start unpacking after a nap.”_

_“You don’t wanna have sex?” Sehun asks._

_“I thought you were tired.”_

_“Never too tired for a handjob,” Sehun says. “I read somewhere that orgasms are good for cancer patients.”_

_“You almost certainly did not.”_

_“You gonna check my sources?”_

_“I think I’ll let it slide this time,” Junmyeon snorts._

_“One of the few benefits,” Sehun smiles, and he offers Junmyeon his hand._

_The bed is unfamiliar, but the sheets warm quickly if you’re with someone you love._   
  


≎

They are passing by towns, small little developments, coasting along carelessly. Junmyeon wonders where they will end up, wonders what kind of new world awaits for them to discover.

He keeps all the places in his head, spots for pins later. Today is about the coordinates, the destination that Sehun picked. 

The whole world seems to stop when they pass the beach. A little island just big enough for them. It seems to call them, something that reminds him of Jeju. 

“Stop,” Sehun says suddenly. “Here. Right here.” 

It is snowing softly when they exit, and Saja bravely leads the way onto the shores. The ocean laps at the edge of the beach, and Sehun grabs a blanket, spreading it onto the white, white sand. He sits, pats the ground at his side, and Saja leaps into the spot. 

“Not you,” Sehun says, and he grabs Saja, putting her into his lap before looking up at Junmyeon. “You.” 

Junmyeon sits at Sehun’s side, and together, they watch as the ocean comes in, retreats, and comes in again. It’s like life, he thinks. Life and death and life somewhere else. Waves aren’t individual. Waves are aspects. Waves are the ocean. Waves are water, and every little life is part of something bigger. Something unending. Changing, yes, but unending. 

“One time,” Sehun says. “When I was wandering through Nungot, I saw this porthole in the wall.” 

“A porthole?” 

“Like on a boat,” Sehun says. 

“I know what a porthole is,” Junmyeon says. 

Sehun laughs, and he puts his arm around Junmyeon as they sit on the shore. 

“I looked through the porthole,” Sehun says, “and do you want to know what I saw?” 

“What did you see?” 

Sehun looks at him. The wolf is just as beautiful as Sehun was in life. Handsome. Strong. 

“I saw you packing,” Sehun says. “The apartment.” 

Junmyeon bites his lip. 

“I’m sorry,” Junmyeon says. 

“Why would you ever be sorry?” 

“I’m sorry I left,” Junmyeon says. “I just… I had to go home.” 

“I wanted you to go home,” Sehun says softly. “I didn’t want you to stay there all by yourself. A foreign country. All on your own. I thought… I wish we had gotten the chance to go home before, so you didn’t have to do it all on your own.” 

Junmyeon shuts his eyes, and he leans his head on Sehun’s shoulder. 

“I had never been so relieved,” Sehun whispers. 

Connections between this world and that, Junmyeon doesn’t think they’re common. There must be something special about them. Something restless and ravenous.  
  


≎

_  
**00y 02m 02d**  
_

_Every time they are alone, Junmyeon thinks he’s another step closer to insanity._

_Sehun has a hard time keeping his hands to himself, especially when they’re in Junmyeon’s apartment. The fact that they’re alone means that Sehun’s affection doubles, triples, quadruples. Sehun kisses him like he never wants to stop. His hands linger on Junmyeon’s thighs, the small of his back. He edges lower and lower whenever they say goodbye. Like he wants to keep moving down. It makes Junmyeon’s stomach ache with want._

_They are lying on his couch, and the heat’s shut off for the moment. All Junmyeon has to keep him warm is Sehun’s weight, pressing him down into the cushions. Sehun slips his leg between Junmyeon’s, and Junmyeon moans. He has a hard time telling him no._

_“You don’t wanna tell me no because you like me, hyung,” Sehun says._

_“Yeah,” Junmyeon admits. “I do.”_

_“You like me, and I like you,” Sehun says. “So what’s the problem?”_

_“I-I don’t know,” Junmyeon says._

_“What are you scared of?”_

__Being hurt _, he thinks._ Loving you so much and giving you the power to hurt me.

_“I don’t know.”_

_“Can’t we? Can’t we try?”_

_It boils over like a kettle, like water so hot and unattended. Junmyeon threads his fingers through Sehun’s hair and pulls him into a frantic kiss, lips and tongue. He moans as Sehun licks into his mouth eagerly, body moving as if he has no idea what else to do with himself. He’s hard against Junmyeon, Junmyeon can feel him through the layers of clothes. It makes him whine. Makes him whimper._

_He’s thought about it so much. Can’t pretend like he hasn’t._

_“Hyung, can I touch you?” Sehun asks, and he kisses across Junmyeon’s face, burying another sucking kiss into Junmyeon’s neck. “I think about touching you all the time.”_

_Junmyeon cries out, his hips moving before he can tell himself to stop. He grinds up against the length of Sehun, his body hard but soft. There’s so much give to him. So much to sink into._

_“Touch me,” Junmyeon whispers. “Please.”_

_“Do you ever think about it, hyung? At night? Before bed?”_

_“Yes,” he hisses, and he brings his legs up, letting Sehun settle between them._

_It feels so incredibly juvenile, and Junmyeon hates to feel younger than he is, but they stay there together, wrapped in wet warmth, moving against each other as if they’re trying to dig down into the other. Sehun sticks his hand down between their bodies, pulls Junmyeon’s pants open, and touches him. It feels so fucking good, Junmyeon can’t help but let the sound of pleasure rattle out of him._

_“Be my boyfriend. Okay, hyung? You’re my boyfriend, and I’m your boyfriend,” Sehun says. “Because I’m in love with you. I love you so much, hyung.”_

_“I love you,” Junmyeon confesses, and he is convinced that if this is good as it ever gets, that if it’s all downhill from here, it’s fucking worth it._   
  


≎

They eat fried chicken as the waves crash and roll, and Sehun smiles as he gestures with a half-stripped drumstick.

“God, hyung,” he says, waving the chicken around. “You got really good at cooking. Have I mentioned?” 

Junmyeon preens as he watches Sehun indulge. He hasn’t had that much of a hunger lately. He suppose it might come back to him later on. 

“I’m glad you like it.” 

Junmyeon watches with amusement as the wolf pulls a piece of meat from the bone, nibbling the skin off with his teeth before gently hand-feeding it to Saja. Saja trills as she eats, rubbing up against Sehun’s leg when she’s through. 

“Best cat in the world,” Sehun praises. 

“Yeah,” Junmyeon says. 

“Makes sense,” Sehun says, “best boy. Best cat. Match made in heaven.” 

Junmyeon punches Sehun weakly in the shoulder as the cold ocean air chills him to the bone. Junmyeon shifts a little closer, the cat caught between them. She curls into a little yellow ball, purring as the warmth builds to a wave of its own.  
  


≎

_  
**04y 03m 24d**  
_

_Things have been good between them, good for an indeterminate stretch of time, and for the first time, Junmyeon thinks it might stick. Thinks Sehun might finally be ready._

_Junmyeon’s got a good paying job, a new apartment, and Sehun is finished his degree, job-searching. They practically live together. Sehun spends more time in Hongdae with Junmyeon than he does in Songpa, so Junmyeon thinks it’s high time. They’ve talked about it for a while, so why not?_

_“Oh, she’s cute,” Sehun says, pointing to a black kitten with big brown eyes. “Very cute.”_

_“Yeah,” Junmyeon smiles, and he folds his legs in on themselves, sitting in the midst of all the little kittens. “God, how could you possibly pick?”_

_“They’re all perfect, what the fuck?” Sehun says, and he looks behind him, bows his head towards the volunteer. “Sorry.”_

_“It’s okay,” she smiles. “We get that a lot.”_

_Junmyeon can’t hold his grin back, especially not when a small orangey-yellow cat leaps into his lap. There’s… there are hills and valleys with them, but he thinks finally, maybe finally they are on the same page. Settling down. It’s the perfect time. They’ve got everything going for them._

_“Oh,” Sehun says, looking at the cat in Junmyeon’s lap. “Look, she loves you.”_

_“Hold her,” Junmyeon says, and he gently puts the kitten in Sehun’s hands. “See if you get along.”_

_Immediately, the cat nips Sehun on the hand, and Junmyeon falls into a laughing spell. Junmyeon adopts her within the hour, and Sehun suggests the name._

_“It’s perfect,” Junmyeon coos, “she’s perfect. Our little Saja.”_   
  


≎

Sehun licks the grease from his fingertips.

“When we broke up that third time… that was probably one of the hardest days of my life,” Sehun says. “Saying goodbye to both of you.” 

“I didn’t want you to go,” Junmyeon says. “Not really.” 

“I know,” Sehun says. “But I felt like… did you ever feel like your spot in my life was shrinking? Like you weren’t supposed to be a character in my story anymore? Like you were—” 

“Being written out,” Junmyeon says. “Yeah.” 

“I felt like that.” He looks over at Junmyeon, and he laughs, his breath white in the air. “She wasn’t mine. She was always yours. And… and I knew that. I always knew I would leave, and I would have to leave you both behind.” 

“I’m glad… I’m glad it didn’t poison everything.” 

“It did. For a while.” 

“Yeah?” 

“I think that time… between that and, I dunno, the time we slept together on my birthday?” Sehun says. “I think I didn’t like you for a while. For making me choose.” 

Old resentments bubble up within Junmyeon. 

“I didn’t think it was a choice,” Junmyeon says. “I thought it would be obvious if you loved me.” 

“Yeah,” Sehun says. “It should have been obvious. Hindsight.” 

Junmyeon frowns, the anger dying back down inside him. Sehun is finished with his food, so Junmyeon rests his head on Sehun’s shoulder again. 

“Love you,” Sehun says. 

“Yeah,” Junmyeon says, and he closes his eyes, listening to the rumbling of the ocean. “I love you too.”  
  


≎

_  
**09y 03m 29d**  
_

_They talk sometimes. Things are weird between them. Some forgotten space, neither here nor there. Somewhere in between. They go through periods of talking every day, going out to eat, hanging out on the weekends… and then there is radio silence. He can’t say it’s entirely Sehun. It’s him too. Sometimes he leaves Sehun’s phone calls unanswered. Sometimes he leaves the texts unread._

_“I went out tonight,” Sehun says slowly. “But I… I thought about you the whole time, hyung.”_

_“You home now?” Junmyeon asks._

_“I’m home now.”_

_“You’re still in Itaewon, right?” Junmyeon confirms. “Same place?”_

_“Has it been that long since the last time?” Sehun asks._

_“Six months,” Junmyeon says. “I dunno. You could have moved.”_

_“I didn’t move.”_

_“All right,” Junmyeon says. “Should I bring a bag?”_

_“Yeah. Spend the night. I don’t wanna be alone.”_

_Junmyeon shuts his eyes. Snow in April._

_“I’m calling a car now. Be there in, like, 20.”_

_He’s there in fifteen. Sehun meets him at the door, and he looks fucking gorgeous. Shirtless and dripping wet._

_“I showered,” Sehun says._

_“You shouldn’t shower when you’re drunk,” Junmyeon says._

_“You got me, hyung. You got the thing you can nag about.”_

_Junmyeon rolls his eyes, and he steps into Sehun’s apartment, toeing off his shoes and dropping his overnight bag before pushing Sehun back against the wall._

_“Happy birthday,” Junmyeon whispers._

_“Thanks, hyung,” Sehun says softly._

_Junmyeon sinks to his knees there in the hallway, pulling Sehun’s gym shorts down with him. Sehun’s soft cock lies there between his legs, and Junmyeon takes it in his mouth, gets it hard. It takes a minute, but Junmyeon thinks that’s probably because Sehun’s still a little drunk. He bobs his head, sucks him down until Sehun’s cock is filling his throat._

_Sehun’s hands hold him by the hair, and he thrusts into Junmyeon’s mouth, taking his pleasure easily. Junmyeon likes it like that. Likes when Sehun takes it._

_He gags on Sehun’s cock, a wet, shameful sound pooling hotly in Junmyeon’s stomach. Sehun pulls himself out, jerking himself off. Junmyeon stays there on his knees, closing his eyes like permission. Sehun moans brokenly until he comes all over Junmyeon’s face. His come drips wetly from Junmyeon’s lips._

_“God, you’re so fucking hot,” Sehun says, and he looks down at Junmyeon, thumb swiping against his cheek. He feeds Junmyeon his come as he cleans Junmyeon up, and Junmyeon swallows it down eagerly._

_There’s no use pretending. He loves this. Loves Sehun._

_He tries not to think about that, though. Always gives him a stomach ache._

_“Can you get it up again?” Junmyeon asks._

_“For you, hyung?” Sehun laughs, and he pulls Junmyeon to his feet before kissing him soundly. “Always.”_

_Junmyeon goes back to Sehun’s bedroom, and they spend the rest of Sehun’s birthday under sheets of white._   
  


≎

The afternoon sun is warm on his skin even as the snow comes down. It melts on Sehun’s fur like it’s landing on hot pavement.

“You ever wonder why it’s always snowing?” Sehun asks. 

“Yeah,” Junmyeon says. “Sometimes.” 

“Anything to do with your subconscious?” Sehun teases. 

“I’ll push you into the ocean. I’ll make you swim to the Everdoor.” 

Sehun throws his head back and laughs, wolfy and cute. 

“Okay, okay,” Sehun says, and he pulls Junmyeon to the blanket, rolling Junmyeon onto him. He holds Junmyeon to his body, arms around Junmyeon’s waist. “I’ll stop.”

“You know why it’s snowing.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Because we never stopped loving each other.” 

“Yeah,” Sehun sighs. “Not even when we hated each other.” 

Junmyeon rests his head against Sehun’s chest like a pillow. “Do you think that’s bad?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Do you think everyone who… our family, our friends—do you think they thought it was… bad for us?” 

“Maybe. And I guess it was bad sometimes, but… but life is like that, I think. Taking good and bad. People are… people are weird,” Sehun says. “And does it matter what anyone else thinks?”

“I guess not,” Junmyeon says. 

“You’re good. You’re my favorite person.” 

“Yeah? Why?” 

“Because even if you say it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks,” Sehun says, “you still care.”  
  


≎

_  
**21y 11m 04d**  
_

_Sehun has good days and bad days. He spends pretty much all of them in Junmyeon’s apartment._

_“Sorry, I know I’m kind of… overstaying my welcome,” Sehun says, lying across Junmyeon’s couch as Junmyeon cooks._

_“Shut up,” Junmyeon says. “You said you were tired. So rest.”_

_“What if I just said that to get out of making dinner?”_

_“Did you?”_

_“No,” Sehun says. “I feel icky.”_

_Junmyeon smiles, and he finishes up cutting the carrots. “Rest, then.”_

_Junmyeon works in relative silence as Sehun watches old American cartoons as a way to practice his English. Every once in a while, Junmyeon will hear him repeat a series of words as if checking his own pronunciation. Affection storms within him. How much longer can he ignore these feelings?_

_He chucks the onions into the pan with the butter, starts to stir fry them. He puts in the carrots next once the onions are softened, and from there, he cooks on autopilot. He’s made spam and kimchi fried rice every night for a week now. It’s the only thing Sehun wants to eat. Junmyeon doesn’t mind. It’s a comfort food for him too._

_When it’s finished, he dishes out portions into bowls and brings the bowls and spoons to the couch. Sehun sits up, and Junmyeon sits against him._

_“We can sit at the table,” Sehun says._

_“No, it’s okay,” Junmyeon says. “Let’s sit here.”_

_Sehun smiles, weak and tired, and Junmyeon watches him eat. He’s always hungry come dinnertime, never through the middle of the day. Still, Junmyeon leaves things for him to eat. Soft things. Light things. The things Sehun likes most. Banana Kick. Bag after bag._

_“Thank you,” Sehun says, and he scrapes his bowl clean, rude and messy as if he just found his appetite. “God, this is so good.”_

_“I’m glad you like it.”_

_“We can have something else,” Sehun says, “if you’re getting tired of this.”_

_“I want to make sure you’re eating.” Junmyeon takes Sehun’s empty bowl, smiling. “Plus, I don’t mind. I could eat the same thing every day.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Yeah,” Junmyeon smiles. “I’m just that kind of person.”_

_“When I was younger, I hated that,” Sehun says. “Now, I don’t mind so much.” Junmyeon takes the bowls to the kitchen, and he starts to wash up. “Let me help clean up.”_

_“I got it,” Junmyeon says. “Practice your English.”_

_He scrubs at the bowls in the sink, hands soapy and slick, and he feels Sehun at his back._

_Junmyeon turns, shocked, and Sehun is staring down at him._

_“What?” Sehun asks._

_“What are you doing?”_

_“Coming to help,” Sehun says._

_Sehun’s body feels cold, and Junmyeon stares at his mouth. What kind of sickness could ever make Sehun_ cold _?_

_“What are you looking at?” Sehun smiles, and there are bags under his eyes._

_“I—I…”_

_He can’t manage it. Can’t get the lie out. Instead, he raises himself up onto his tip-toes, and he kisses Sehun chastely. When he lowers himself back down, he realizes he let a bowl clatter to the bottom of the sink. It’s not just his ears ringing._

_“What did you do that for?” Sehun asks. “I thought…”_

_“I love you,” Junmyeon says, eyes watering._

_“You said platonic,” Sehun whispers. “You said we were just friends.”_

_“I lied.”_

_Sehun looks at him, and God, there is so much in his eyes. Starlight and sleep and something sweet. Junmyeon grabs him by the back of the neck, pulling him down into a fervent, endless kiss. His hands are wet on Sehun’s shoulders as he pulls him back towards the bedroom, the sound of The Regular Show, quiet in the background._

_“Junmyeon,” Sehun whispers, his mouth wet and wild across Junmyeon’s. “Hyung.”_

_“I love you,” Junmyeon whispers back, and he guides Sehun onto his back on the center of Junmyeon’s bed._

_“I love you, hyung. I really do.”_

_Junmyeon pulls his shirt up and over his head. Sehun stares up at him, and his hands… they hold Junmyeon by the waist._

_“Have you thought about this?” Junmyeon asks._

_“A little,” Sehun says, almost like he’s ashamed._

_“I thought about it a lot,” Junmyeon confesses._

_“Why wait?”_

_“I don’t know,” Junmyeon says. “I guess I was…”_

_“Scared?”_

_“Yeah,” Junmyeon says. “Still scared.”_

_“I’m not gonna hurt you anymore, hyung,” Sehun whispers. “I love you too much to hurt you again.”_

_Junmyeon straddles him, and they are so close, right on the edge. Everything, after so much time, so much strife, it’s all fraught with challenges. Just once, he thinks, just once I want to go back to the beginning. The feeling of untouched snow._

_And so when he lays his body down onto Sehun’s, when they kiss and they touch, he forgets what they’ve done, what they’ve seen, and all the many words they’ve said. He forgets where they’re going and where they’ve been. He forgets about everything besides love. Everything besides the feeling of Sehun’s eternity._

_Junmyeon does most of the work as they lie there, wrapped up in each other, an echo that reverberates. He strips them of their clothes, he touches himself until he’s slick and open, he kisses Sehun until he’s hard against Junmyeon’s body. He breathes so hard and hot Junmyeon practically sees steam escaping from his parted lips, and that, Junmyeon thinks, that’s what he wanted. Sehun as hot as he was before. Fire in winter._

_He raises his hips up before he sinks down, head tilted back as he takes Sehun inside of him. The sounds are punched out of him. He can’t remember it ever feeling quite so good. The fullness. Like a long unfinished circle finally closing in on itself. The ends finally touching. Just so. Like a brush of lips._

_Junmyeon looks down at Sehun with tears in his eyes, hands covering Sehun’s on his hips._

_“You’re so beautiful, hyung,” Sehun says breathlessly. “I love you.”_

_Junmyeon’s mouth falls open, crying with pleasure, with the feeling of forever. It’s so warm. It’s never been so warm._

_He takes Sehun’s hands from his hips, holds them between their bodies, and he pushes himself up, settles back down. It is slow, halting, stuttering. Sounds pour from them, sounds of need. Of desperation. He is broken and made new in the hands of a lover, shaped and sculpted, mended and molded, this and so much more._

_“Hyung,” Sehun says, eyes full, spilling out down the sides of his face. “Hyung, I love you.”_

_“I love you,” Junmyeon whispers. “Sehun, I love you.”_

_He shakes, shakes like trees in a storm, and the leaves fall off of him, cascading from his shoulders as he brings them home. Sehun cries, cries his name, and over and over, they come back to this place. The dawning of a snow-covered life. Ready for new footprints._   
  


≎

They stay on the shores until Saja sleeps between their bodies, until the night grows long and dark. Junmyeon knows what that means, knows that _Sehun_ knows what that means. Neither of them makes the effort to move. Not until it’s too late.

“I guess we’ll just… stay here tonight,” Junmyeon says. “Until morning.” 

Sehun smiles like that was his plan the whole time. 

“We’re not having sex, you know,” Junmyeon says. 

“You told me that a lot,” Sehun says. “And then we always did.” 

“It’s different now,” Junmyeon says. 

“Would you… if you could?” Junmyeon looks at the stars, twinkling and blue. “Stupid question, huh?” 

“Yeah,” Junmyeon says. “Don’t ask me things you already know the answer to.” 

Sehun hums a soft song. The lyrics. Sung. The melody. 

They play on.  
  


≎

_  
**00y 09m 16d**  
_

_Junmyeon can’t help but feel possessive over him. Sehun is full of light, and Junmyeon wants to take some of it for himself. Doesn’t want to let it escape. Now that he’s had it, had a taste of it… he would hate to let it go._

_Maybe that’s why he was so hesitant at first. Because he knew he would get like this. He knew that, given the chance, he would drive Sehun away. And that’s the last thing Junmyeon wanted._

_Sehun is just about to head home, a long night of studying under their belts, but Junmyeon knows something is off. He’s got that uncanny ability. He can tell. Just knows._

_“We should talk,” Sehun says, and he puts his computer into his bag, looking up at Junmyeon from the seat._

_“Talk about what?”_

_“You know, hyung,” Sehun says._

_“I don’t know.”_

_“Yeah, you do,” Sehun says. “And I didn’t want it to be like this. I don’t wanna do this.”_

_“Yes, you do,” Junmyeon accuses sharply. “Because if you didn’t want to do it, you wouldn’t be doing it.”_

_Sehun sighs. “I want to stay friends with you, hyung.”_

_“I don’t want to talk to you anymore,” Junmyeon says. “You fucking scumbag.”_

_“Hyung,” Sehun whispers._

_“You fucking… you said you loved me,” Junmyeon says. “So what? That was a lie? You didn’t mean it?”_

_“Of course I meant it,” Sehun says, and he stands up, setting his bag on the table before pulling Junmyeon into a hug. “I still mean it.”_

_“If you love me, then why are you doing this to me?”_

_“I just think it might be a good idea to get a… a break for a while, you know?” Sehun says, and the words run through Junmyeon like acid. Acid rain. “We’ve been so wrapped up in each other since last year, and it’s just… is that good for us? Is it good to be settled so soon?”_

_“Why wouldn’t it be a good thing?”_

_“We’re still so young,” Sehun laughs. “There’s still so much life to live.”_

_“Wouldn’t it be fine to live it with me?” Junmyeon asks._

_“Don’t think I don’t love you, hyung,” Sehun whispers, and he presses a kiss to Junmyeon’s hair. “We’re always gonna love each other.”_

_“Then why? Is it because of… because of Hyunwoo?”_

_Sehun pulls Junmyeon back from the embrace. Hands on his shoulders._

_“Hyung, please.”_

_“Is it?” Junmyeon asks. “I just want to know.”_

_“It’s not about anyone besides us,” Sehun says._

_“Then… then what? It’s me?”_

_“Junmyeon-hyung,” Sehun says. “You’re so serious. You’re so stuck.”_

_“I fell in love with you,” Junmyeon says._

_“And I fell in love with you,” Sehun says. “But if it’s real, then won’t we find our way back together again?”_

_Junmyeon hates that kind of logic. The let it go fallacy. Why would he want to let something good go? What kind of sense does that make?_

_“I’m sorry, hyung,” Sehun says. “But I really think this will be good for us.”_

_Junmyeon looks away. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore. No… no coffee. No nothing.”_

_“Hyung.”_

_“I don’t want to talk to you,” Junmyeon says, and he feels the dams bursting. He won’t cry in front of Sehun. That’s fucking stupid. “Please go.”_

_“Hyung, don’t cry.”_

_“I’m not crying, just leave me alone,” Junmyeon says, and he takes Sehun’s bag from the table, shoving it into his arms before nudging him towards the door. “Please go.”_

_“Okay, okay, hyung,” Sehun says. “I’ll leave you alone.”_

_Junmyeon watches him leave, stepping into his shoes, and he resists the urge to tell him to text when he gets home. He doesn’t have to care about that kind of thing now. He shouldn’t care._   
  


≎

The morning dawns, and Sehun is asleep, fur covered with sand. Junmyeon smiles as he brushes his fingers through it, gently combing out some of the knots. Sehun stirs a moment later, yawning cutely.

“What big teeth you have,” Junmyeon says. 

“Shut up,” Sehun says. “You’re not funny.” 

“No?” 

“No,” Sehun smiles. “How did you sleep?” 

“Not bad for sleeping on the ground,” Junmyeon says. 

“Good, I’m glad.” 

“Asshole.” 

“For _what?_ ” 

“Not warning me to bring a pillow,” Junmyeon smiles. 

“So how was the date?” Sehun asks with a grin. “Even if you didn’t get lucky at the end.” 

Junmyeon rolls his eyes, and he buries his face in Sehun’s chest. Sehun laughs, arms around Junmyeon. They stay until the sun is high, and after that, they get back to the ship, sailing on.  
  


≎

_**22y 03m 11d** _

_The transplant doesn’t end up working, only slowing them down and dropping Sehun’s level of hope drastically, so they push chemotherapy hard. Junmyeon hurriedly translates whatever he can, trying to stem the tides of panic in his stomach. Sehun looks sad, exhausted, and it breaks Junmyeon’s heart into pieces. They were supposed to be home by now. He was supposed to be better._

_They’re advised to stay for another two months at least so that the doctors can monitor Sehun’s progress, his reactions to the therapy. He wears his N95 anytime they have to go anywhere, and it calls attention to the sleep in his eyes._

_“I’m tired of this, hyung,” Sehun says._

_“I know,” Junmyeon says. “I know.”_

_“I wanna be home,” Sehun says. “I told you we’d be home by now.”_

_“Don’t worry about that. We’re going home.”_

_He points up to the apartment building as they walk up, Sehun’s arm around Junmyeon’s shoulders. It reminds him of when they were young. The times he held Sehun up when he was too drunk to stand on his own._

_“This isn’t home,” Sehun says, and he adjusts his little hat._

_Junmyeon bites his lip._

_“Yes, it is. This is home,” Junmyeon says. “You want a pizza?”_

_“I’m not hungry,” Sehun says. “I feel like shit.”_

_“I know,” Junmyeon says. “I know.”_

_“When I’m hungry again,” Sehun says, “I want pie.”_

_“I’ll make one,” Junmyeon says._

_“Like at Chestnut,” Sehun says._

_“Whatever you want,” Junmyeon says._

_“I don’t wanna do another treatment.”_

_“This is the last one,” Junmyeon says. “And then… and then they’ll tell us.”_

_“I want it to be gone,” Sehun says, and they go up the elevator, holding each other. “I want it to be over.”_

_But Sehun’s condition isn’t the kind of thing that can be cured. Isn’t the kind of thing that goes away. This will be with him until the end. Until their end. They want to give him as much time as possible, but eventually, Junmyeon knows they will only seek to make him comfortable._

_It’s not today, he tells himself. They’re still fighting. Fights are often uncomfortable._

_Sehun collapses onto the bed once they’re upstairs, and Junmyeon goes to him, holding him close._

_“I’m sorry,” Sehun says weakly. “I’m sorry you have to be here.”_

_“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be,” Junmyeon says. “Remember that, okay?”_

_“You’re too good for me, hyung.”_

_“Yeah, probably,” Junmyeon says._

_Sehun reaches over to slap him weakly, and Junmyeon smiles. He hides it in Sehun’s shoulder._   
  


≎

They go to so many places. They live a little life inside the in-between.

They revisit their favorite places, retracing their footsteps. They spend many afternoons sitting on the bench in Nungot, watching the snow fall. 

Junmyeon makes Sehun spiced coffee and apple pie and hotteok, grilled octopus and fried rice and tuna tataki. He makes pizza, he makes onion rings, and he makes toffee. Sticky and sweet. 

Life was falling in love over and over again, the snow never sticking. 

Here in the after, the snow sticks, piles up. The love always stuck. They could never really shake it, no matter how hard they tried. 

Some nights, they sleep on the roof over the field, the apple trees full beneath them. They sleep under the open sky. They sleep next to each other. Warmth seeps through everything. Honey. Sugar. 

“I never want this to end,” Junmyeon whispers, hoping Sehun won’t hear.  
  


≎

_  
**22y 04m 25d**  
_

_After the final round, they do test after test, panel after panel. Flow cytometry is the worst of it, and Junmyeon learns so many words he’d prefer not to know. They always sit in the waiting room with their hands clasped. Hoping for good news. Inside her office, she reads off a bunch of numbers with a smile, and Junmyeon’s heart leaps into his throat. Good news. Good news._

_“Remission?” Sehun asks in English. “Is it in remission?”_

_“We’re at stable levels,” the doctor clarifies, staunchly staying away from the word. “We’re where we want to be at this point in treatment. We’re very pleased with the way Sehun has responded to the immunochemotherapy.”_

_“Good,” Junmyeon says quickly, “very good.”_

_“So for now, we’ll keep an eye on the situation, we’ll try to keep everything at these same levels, okay?” the doctor smiles. She turns to Sehun. “How have you been feeling lately?”_

_“Good,” Sehun answers. “Good, good.”_

_“I’m really glad to hear that, Sehun,” she smiles. “Okay, we’ve got another appointment in a couple weeks time, all right? Rest up. Enjoy the city.”_

_Sehun turns his smile at Junmyeon, and it is as brilliant as a star, blinding and beautiful. Junmyeon can’t remember him ever looking this happy. It makes him want to cry._

_“Ask about sex,” Sehun says quickly in Korean, pulling at the end of Junmyeon’s sleeve eagerly._

_“Shut up,” Junmyeon says to him before turning to the doctor. “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”_

_She shakes his hand, and after that, they feel free. Freer than ever before._

_When they get home, Sehun has more energy than he has in weeks. Junmyeon orders them food, a big pepperoni pizza, and they eat on the couch as they watch cartoons. Sehun smiles all the way through, laughs loudly, and Junmyeon feels something building inside him. Something huge and full of light._

_They shower together in the middle of the afternoon. The stall is so small, it reminds Junmyeon of when Sehun first kissed him, so long ago. Who knew this is where they’d end up? He closes his eyes, hugging him close. Sehun’s body feels so good against his own. They’ve had to be so careful. Infections, the chemo, everything… so clean and so chaste and now—_

_“Hyung, I wanna fuck you,” Sehun whispers, his lips wet against Junmyeon’s ear. “I want to have sex with you. I want to come inside you.”_

_“Sehun,” Junmyeon moans._

_“Will you let me, hyung? Can I?”_

_Junmyeon kisses him, hoping that says enough: you can do whatever you want to me because I want it more. I’ll always want it more._

_They wash each other clean, the soap rinsing down the spiralling drain, and Junmyeon kisses Sehun with such passion that it leaves him breathless, gasping against Sehun’s neck as Sehun’s hand skim along his skin. Sehun’s body has changed, but Junmyeon wants it no less._

_“Come on, hyung,” Sehun says, and he shuts the water off._

_They collapse into the bed with wet skin, and Junmyeon couldn’t care any less. He’ll take care of the laundry later. Right now, the only thing he cares about is getting Sehun inside of him._

_Sehun kisses him hungrily as they turn Junmyeon onto his back, as he spreads his legs in anticipation._

_“Have you been thinking about it as much as I have, hyung?” Sehun asks, and he slicks his fingers, sliding them into Junmyeon easily._

_“More,” Junmyeon says, and he rocks his hips down onto Sehun’s hand._

_“Yeah?”_

_“Yeah,” Junmyeon says, and Sehun’s gaze is so hot across his body that it feels like he’s about to be burned._

_He opens easily, eagerly, lets Sehun fuck him with his fingers so fast and hard that it reminds him of when they were young. So much fervor. So much building up between them. Spark. Smoke. Fire. Ash._

_“Sehun,” Junmyeon whispers. “Sehun, I’m—”_

_“More,” Sehun says, and he leans down, peppering kisses across Junmyeon’s stomach as he searches inside him, fingers angled up. He strokes across Junmyeon’s prostate, and it makes Junmyeon’s cock leak. “Got you.”_

_“Please, I won’t last if you do that,” Junmyeon says._

_“And you wanna last?” Sehun smiles. “You gonna make me go all night, hyung? Ride my cock until it hurts?”_

_Junmyeon squeezes his eyes shut tight. Stars. Snow._

_“Please,” Junmyeon moans. “Inside me.”_

_“Is that how you wanna come, hyung?” Sehun asks, sitting up on his knees and looking down at Junmyeon. “Me inside you?”_

_“Yeah,” Junmyeon says. “Please.”_

_“Whatever you want,” Sehun says, and he lays his body on Junmyeon’s, covering him with thrumming heat. “Whatever you want.”_

_They kiss as Sehun pushes inside him, and the sound and light builds within them. For a split second, everything is exactly as it’s meant to be, and they stretch that second for minutes, for hours, for days. As long as they can hang onto it._

_Junmyeon wraps his arms and legs around Sehun’s body as he begins to thrust, and the noise of their flesh is so sweet that it makes his stomach turn over and over again, body tense with nervous, joyous energy. It feels like rubber bands finally snapping, it feels like reaching the bottom of the well, stones against glass, steel going red hot when it’s drenched in flame._

_“You feel so good, hyung,” Sehun says, and he kisses across Junmyeon’s face. “You feel so good. I love you.”_

_“I love you,” Junmyeon whispers, nails in Sehun’s back as he rocks into him. “I’m—”_

_Sehun kisses him, messy and good, and Junmyeon whines into the embrace. It grows steadily, builds to the highest height, and Junmyeon cries out as Sehun fucks him._

_“Does it feel good, hyung?” Sehun asks, and he sounds like he’s being run ragged, like he’s been saving up all his energy just to fuck Junmyeon into the mattress._

_“Yes,” Junmyeon moans. “Yes, fuck.”_

_“I can’t help it,” Sehun says, and he kisses Junmyeon’s throat wetly. “I think I’m gonna come. I’m sorry.”_

_“Don’t apologize,” Junmyeon laughs. “Are you crazy?”_

_“Yeah,” Sehun says, and he kisses Junmyeon quiet._

_They don’t speak after that, tied up in the embrace and in each other. They are a twisting knot of lust, and the more they pull at the ends, the tighter and more twisted the knot becomes. Junmyeon’s body is tight with arousal, hypersensitive and dripping with pleasure. He writhes against Sehun, tries to get him impossibly closer, and when he feels Sehun’s rhythm go frantic, Junmyeon reaches between their bodies, begins to stroke himself off as Sehun comes inside him._

_They come only seconds apart, the ecstasy bleeding through Sehun and into Junmyeon. It’s perfect, he thinks, chest heaving as he gasps for air. It was needed, and now, they’ve got it. Each other._

_Sehun cuddles him close, and Junmyeon lets himself indulge in the soft open space for a moment before sitting up, staring down at him._

_“What?” Sehun asks._

_“You have to shower,” Junmyeon says._

_“Why? Do I smell or something? So soon?”_

_Junmyeon snorts._

_“Everyone advises it,” he explains. “Because of the risk of infection. We probably shouldn’t have even done it without a condom, but I figured just once… just once would be okay. Just so that—”_

_“Hyung, how do you know so much about this?” Sehun asks, narrowing his brows with a little smile. “Have you been researching? Asking doctors when I’m busy getting biopsies?”_

_Junmyeon’s face goes hot, and he pulls Sehun up by the hand._

_“Hyung, you’re so fucking cute, I’ll die!”_

_“Nope,” Junmyeon says, pushing him back towards the bathroom, “get in the shower.”_

_“You’re coming with me, hyung,” Sehun whispers, and he pulls Junmyeon into his arms. “I’m never letting you go.”_   
  


≎

He doesn’t know how long it lasts. Doesn’t really keep track of time. But he’ll never forget it, the end.

In the middle of the day, they are doing nothing of import. Sehun is puttering around in his room while Junmyeon fishes. He’s been cooking everything he can think of for Sehun, and Sehun eats it all hungrily, never seeming to tire of it. Junmyeon smiles. He likes this. Likes where they found themselves. 

Then, Sehun comes out of his room. Junmyeon turns, sees him, and knows that something bad is about to happen. It’s like finally hearing the echo’s reply. 

“I’d like to talk to you,” Sehun says. 

Junmyeon turns back around. 

“We’re talking.” 

“You know what I mean, hyung. Put the rod down.” 

“I can talk and fish at the same time,” Junmyeon says stiffly. 

“Don’t. Come on, Jun. Don’t.” 

Junmyeon turns, and he sets his fishing rod down. He stands, folding his arms across his chest. 

“You can talk,” Junmyeon says. 

“You know, I hate to say this,” Sehun says. 

“Then don’t say it,” Junmyeon tries. 

“You know I have to.” 

_Always this. Always him leaving._

“Don’t think like that,” Sehun says. “Don’t make me the bad guy.” 

Junmyeon sighs, rubs the spot between his eyebrows.

“I-I’m not,” Junmyeon says. “I just hate this.” 

“I know. I know. Me too.” 

“Then… can’t you stay? Can’t you just—I don’t understand why we can’t keep living like this,” Junmyeon says. 

“Because we’re not supposed to be living,” Sehun says. “We’re supposed to be moving on.” 

“No,” Junmyeon says. “I’m supposed to stay stuck on you. I’m supposed to stay right here. You move on, and I stay put because—”

“Because other people need you,” Sehun says. “Because you’re the spiritfarer now. And I’m just the guy you loved once.” 

“Shut up,” Junmyeon says. “Don’t… don’t act like that. Like you’re nothing.” 

“I didn’t say I was nothing,” Sehun says. “I said I was the guy you loved once. And to me, hyung, I mean, that’s _everything_.” 

Junmyeon clenches his teeth. “Don’t go.” 

“It’s time,” Sehun says. “It’s time for us to say goodbye.” 

“I don’t want to,” Junmyeon says. “I don’t want to, it’s—”

“Not fair,” Sehun says. “That’s life.” 

“This isn’t life.” 

“Nah,” Sehun smiles, “but I guess that’s death too, huh?” 

Junmyeon throws himself into Sehun’s arms. 

“I’m gonna miss you so much, hyung. Like no one else,” Sehun says. “But no matter where you go, no matter how long you sail, I’m always gonna love you. No one’s ever gonna love you more than I love you.” 

“I know,” Junmyeon whispers, trying desperately not to cry. “I know.”  
  


≎

_  
**22y 09m 12d**  
_

_They keep their word. They keep him comfortable._

_His organs are failing, but you wouldn’t know, looking at him. He looks happy. He wears a smile. Junmyeon holds his hand, and he tries to hold it together._

_“I’m gonna take a nap, okay?”_

_“Y-Yeah,” Junmyeon says. “Yes. Rest well.”_

_Sehun’s eyes close for a moment, and Junmyeon brings his forehead to Sehun’s hand. He doesn’t want to let go. Not yet._

_“Hey,” Sehun says, and Junmyeon raises his head. Looks in his eyes. “Remember that bench? By the little creek? The start of the trail?”_

_“I remember,” Junmyeon says. “I’ll never forget.”_

_Sehun smiles, eyes slipping shut._

_“I’m glad I met you, hyung,” Sehun says. “So, so glad.”_

_“I’m glad I met you.”_

_“Really? Even after everything?” Sehun asks._

_“Of course.”_

_Sehun bites his dry lips. Junmyeon wants to get up, get him some chapstick, but in the back of his mind, he instinctively knows that it won’t be long. It will be over soon. He doesn’t wanna waste these moments._

_“There’s a letter in the drawer at home. It’s got your name on it,” Sehun says with a tired grin. “Don’t read it until you really need it, okay?”_

_“Okay,” Junmyeon says._

_“And after you’ve read it once, burn it,” Sehun tells him. “Don’t let it follow you back to Korea.”_

_Despite how greatly he wants to protest, Junmyeon agrees._

_“I love you, hyung,” Sehun says._

_“I know,” Junmyeon says. “I love you too.”_

_“You’ll be here when I wake up, right?”_

_“I’m not going anywhere,” Junmyeon promises._

_Sehun resettles in the bed, and he closes his eyes. Junmyeon holds his hand as he drifts to sleep._

_He never wakes._   
  


≎

For the last time, Sehun steps onto the rowboat. Saja jumps into his arms.

Junmyeon can barely hold it together. 

“Come on,” Sehun teases, hand stroking along Saja’s back. “It won’t be so bad.” 

“I have to do this twice,” Junmyeon says, breathing in icicles and breathing out the shards. “How many times have we said goodbye? Who can do this so many times?” 

“You,” Sehun says. “You’re strong like that, hyung.” 

“I wish this wasn’t my responsibility.” 

“You’re just too special,” Sehun says. “I always said that, didn’t I?” 

Junmyeon steps onto the boat, and he lets the everlight float into his hand. The oar appears golden and bright, and he begins to stroke through the red water. The waters of eternity. 

Sehun is quiet for a moment, and Junmyeon searches him. _Say something_ , he thinks. _Say anything._

“Did you ever read the letter?” 

“Yes,” Junmyeon says. “I read it.” 

“Did it help at all?” Sehun wonders. 

“Yes,” Junmyeon says. “It did.” 

“Did you get rid of it like I asked?” 

“I burned it,” Junmyeon says, rowing forward into red. 

“Really?” 

“You said I should,” Junmyeon says. 

“And you listened?” Sehun scoffs. Junmyeon wants to kick him. “I’m just surprised. You… you’re too loyal. Too ready to wait. Too eager to hold on.” 

“Is that bad? Is that what you didn’t like about me?” 

“There wasn’t a thing about you that I didn’t love with all my heart, hyung,” Sehun says, and the wolf’s eyes water. “You were the most beautiful thing in the world, and now that we’re here, you’re the most beautiful thing here too.” 

“Sehun…” 

“Just listen for a minute, okay?” Sehun asks. “Remember what I said in the letter. Remember what I told you.” 

“Okay,” Junmyeon says. “I’ll remember.” 

“Don’t jump through just to follow me,” Sehun says. “Don’t give up just because I’m not here. You didn’t ever give up, did you? No. You went home. You kept on living. I want you to keep on living.” He shuts his eyes. Opens them. His eyes are gold. Gold and shimmering and strange. “I want you to help more people. It’s what you were always meant to do. Help. You had the most beautiful soul, hyung. The most _beautiful_ soul.” 

“Sehun—”

He looks up, and the Everdoor looms over him. The arch, the perfect circle. The ends meeting. 

“It’s time for me to go, hyung,” Sehun whispers, and he stands, Saja jumping from his arms. “One last time. For me, okay?” 

Junmyeon crushes himself into Sehun’s embrace under the shadow of the Everdoor. He puts everything he can into it. Twenty years and more. All that love. All the snow. 

He pulls away before Sehun can. The first little step. Sehun smiles down at him, his body glimmering in black and gold. He hovers in the air, smiling at Junmyeon. 

“Be good for me, hyung,” Sehun says softly. “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Junmyeon says, and Saja sits at his feet. 

Together, they watch as Sehun ascends, drawing in the light of the afterworld, so, _so_ much light until it bursts, the bubble of shimmering gold unmanageably big. It is an amazing rush of light, of firework noise, and Junmyeon is brought to tears as he stares up at the sky, the navy dotted with new stars. With Sehun. 

Junmyeon bites his lip, and Saja trills. 

“Bye, Sehunnie,” he says, tears spilling down his face. 

He grabs his everlight, rowing back to the ship.  
  


≎

_  
**22y 10m 01d**  
_

_He has to deal with a lot after Sehun’s gone. He starts sending things home as soon as he can, shipping box after box. He has some friends help. They collect things for him. Keep them until he’s got his ticket home. He signs papers, he talks with insurance, he gets the ashes sent back. He secures a new place, and once he flies home, he gets all his things back from storage._

_Junmyeon isn’t alone, not physically or emotionally or spiritually, but emptiness wells inside him. Whenever he thinks about it, he has to swallow tears. He lets himself have ten minutes every day, and he’s allowed to feel as sorry for himself as he wants to in those ten minutes. Once that time is up, he wipes his face, and he goes back to living._

_It’s hard. It feels impossible some days._

_But he keeps on going._   
  


≎

Junmyeon mourns the loss of Sehun for weeks. He counts the days. He cries on the floor of his bedroom, eyes stuck to the soul flower that’s wrapped it’s vines around Sehun’s bedpost. He barely gets up from that position, and the ship barely moves, stuck in the still, red waters by the Everdoor.

He feels hollowed out and cold, so fucking cold without Sehun there to keep him warm. 

Saja sleeps under his arm. Junmyeon can’t even look at her without thinking of the way she favored Sehun. 

“What am I gonna do?” he asks, and his voice hurts. He can’t remember the last time he spoke, made a sound that wasn’t crying. 

_Keep going_ , Sehun’s voice says. 

“What if I don’t want to keep going? What if I’m _tired_?” 

He thinks back to the letter. 

It takes a bit longer, a day or two, but he pushes himself up off the floor. Saja brushes up against his leg, and he wipes his face. 

“Okay,” he says. “Fine.”  
  


≎

Junmyeon has had practice, but he never got good at goodbyes. He thinks maybe Sehun was right, way back when. Maybe it was just as much about him as it was about Sehun. Maybe he came here for a reason.

A few days after he’s finished his moping, he meets a man named Liu Wei. He takes the form of an owl. Liu Wei becomes like an uncle to him. 

“Please,” Liu Wei says. “I can tell when someone needs a bit of cheering up.” 

They catch lightning in glass bottles during thunderstorms. Junmyeon dances in the rain, and as the chill drips down him, it reminds him of snow soaking through his sweaters. Makeups and breakups. The way they loved like lightning. Fast, hard, bright. So very beautiful. 

He comes down to Liu Wei’s room, freshly furnished, and Liu Wei is grinning at him. 

“Do you feel better?” he asks. 

“I think so,” Junmyeon says. 

“Rain will do that. Rain washes you clean. You know that, right?” 

“I know now,” Junmyeon says, and Liu Wei pulls him into a hug. 

“Whenever you need a washing,” Liu Wei says, patting him on the back, “you just let me know.” 

So Junmyeon takes him around, shows him the world, and he listens to the stories about Liu Wei’s life. Liu Wei never managed to be who he really was. Never managed to live truthfully, he says. Junmyeon looks at him, confused. He looks so truthful. He looks so honest. 

“That’s the thing about people,” Liu Wei says. “Sometimes, people are very good at looking the way they want to look. Almost good enough to look like the real thing. But a good jeweler can always tell diamonds from glass, can’t they?” 

“Yeah,” Junmyeon says. “I suppose so.” 

“I thought I was glass,” Liu Wei says, looking at the stars. “But being with you makes me feel like I was made of diamonds all along. Like maybe I was trying to hide from people who could see right through me.” 

“Thank you for being so kind to me,” Junmyeon says. 

“Thank you for giving me this chance.” 

Junmyeon’s heart swells with love as Liu Wei jumps to the stars.  
  


≎

He meets a girl named Aanya. She lost her dog when she was young, and she never forgot. She takes the form of a black cat, and Junmyeon finds that sweet. Saja takes a liking to her immediately. Junmyeon gives her candy. He’s never seen a smile like Aanya’s.

“We should play hide and seek,” Aanya says. “Okay?” 

“All right,” Junmyeon says. “I’ll close my eyes. You hide.” 

Aanya lights up, and Junmyeon counts to twenty. When he opens his eyes, she’s nowhere to be found. He smiles. 

“Ready or not, here I come,” Junmyeon calls, and he gets to work, searching through the field, peeking around apple trees, through the foundry and the mill, looking through the bedrooms of spirits who have come and gone. 

He pauses when he realizes the only place left to look is Sehun’s bedroom. Untouched since they parted. 

Junmyeon goes to her, finds her staring at the spirit flower. 

“Is that what happens when I go?” she asks. 

“Yes,” Junmyeon says. 

“That doesn’t look so scary,” she smiles. “It looks pretty.” 

“Yours will be even prettier,” Junmyeon promises her. 

He brings her to the red lake, he hugs her close, and he watches her jump to the stars too.  
  


≎

_**12y 02m 09d**  
Sehun asks him to dinner. _

_“Belated birthday,” Sehun smiles._

_“It’s been months since my birthday.”_

_“Very belated,” Sehun says. “Come on, hyung. We haven’t seen each other in years.”_

_Junmyeon’s heart tugs in his chest. He dresses nicely, and sure enough, Sehun picks him up wearing a tie, thin and black, white shirt sleeves rolled up. He looks handsome, and Junmyeon doesn’t want to admit he’s only gotten better with age._

_“What do you think, hyung?” Sehun asks. “My friend owns this place.”_

_The bar restaurant is beautiful, intimate and glowing warmly with amber light. He brings Junmyeon to the small lounge area as they wait for their table, and they have a drink together, something fancy and too expensive._

_“Don’t worry, hyung,” Sehun says proudly, leaning back and crossing one leg over the other. “I’m paying.”_

_Junmyeon rolls his eyes, but he leans back against the couch._

_“What’s this about?” Junmyeon asks. “Hm?”_

_“Can’t want to take you out without an ulterior motive?”_

_“It’s February.”_

_“So?”_

_“So we’re closer to my next birthday than my last,” Junmyeon says. “And I didn’t even get so much as a text then.”_

_“Well, I had a lot on my mind, to be honest with you,” Sehun says, sipping from his drink._

_“Yeah? What was his name?”_

_“Oh, come on, hyung,” Sehun says. “It doesn’t always have to be a boy.”_

_“In my experience, it’s always a boy,” Junmyeon says._

_“Well, this time it wasn’t,” Sehun says. “How about that, huh? Are you proud of me?”_

_“Yes, I’m very proud of you for not sticking your dick in every bottom you meet,” Junmyeon says, and Sehun nearly spits out his drink. “What, too blunt?”_

_“No, it’s… I probably deserved that,” Sehun smiles. “You’ve gotten very acerbic in your old age.”_

_“I’ll leave,” Junmyeon says. “I’ll walk home.”_

_“No,” Sehun says, and he reaches out, holding Junmyeon by the shoulder, “stay, hyung.”_

_They go to their table, and he enjoys himself. He gets an expensive steak, and Sehun asks about work, asks about where he’s living, seems genuinely interested in everything. It’s nice. He likes being with Sehun, but he always knew that._

_“How’s my girl?” Sehun asks suddenly, foot against Junmyeon’s._

_“She’s okay,” Junmyeon says. “Getting old now.”_

_“If you need me to pay for any… medical bills or anything,” Sehun says. “I’ll do whatever.”_

_“I can handle it,” Junmyeon says, softening as he thinks more on it. “But thank you. I appreciate it.”_

_Sehun takes a bite of his pasta, and he stares at Junmyeon as he swallows._

_“I miss her a lot, you know,” Sehun says._

_“I know,” Junmyeon says._

_“I miss you too.”_

_Junmyeon looks at his drink, and he reaches forward, sips from his wine._

_“So that’s what this was?” he asks._

_“Can’t I be honest?”_

_“You want to have sex,” Junmyeon says, and he tries to say it as flatly as possible so that Sehun can’t see how much it makes his stomach twist with arousal._

_“No, I want to be with you,” Sehun says. “I want to be together, hyung.”_

_“For how long, huh?” Junmyeon asks._

_“Can’t we just take things one day at a time? One dinner at a time?”_

_Junmyeon looks at his plate. There’s only scraps of fat left over, but he pushes them around with his fork. He’s always struggled with one day at a time. He wants to see the whole picture, wants to stand back and judge things from afar. But Sehun… Sehun makes it so that all he can see is what’s right in front of him. Right now. Live now. Live fast. Live beautifully._

_Junmyeon bites his lip as he looks into Sehun’s eyes._

_“All right,” he says softly. “One day at a time.”_   
  


≎

Junmyeon meets Kristians, Regina, a girl named Meka, a boy named James. He listens as they talk about their lives, and he journeys with them. Sometimes they go to Nungot. Sometimes he sits on the bench. Sometimes, he looks to the stars. He sees Sehun there. Dancing in the sky. The laughter in his eyes. The constellation looks just like him. Junmyeon misses him, but he’s never really gone.

The ship is full of laughter and love and the smell of coffee and spice. He isn’t ever alone. He’s always surrounded by friendly faces. People ready to be healed. He’s happy to help. He realizes he likes it. This work. It suits him. 

One day, though he can’t say for certain how long that day takes to arrive, he realizes that his ship is empty. He’s shepherded so many souls through the Everdoor, he can’t keep count. Dozens, maybe a hundred, maybe more. He’s seen so many faces. Learned so many things. Heard many stories. Loved so many. Never one so much as Sehun. Never forgotten. Not really.  
  


≎

He fishes that night, just him and the water. He feeds Saja, and she meows happily.

He looks up at the night sky, and he sees his friends. 

Right in the middle, he sees Sehun. 

“I think I’m ready,” he says to Sehun. He looks down at Saja. “What about you, baby? Are you ready?” 

She purrs against his leg. 

He goes to the red lake.  
  


≎

It isn’t sad when he goes to the Everdoor that final time. He’s had time to think. Time to come to terms with things.

The beauty of life is cyclical. Beginning, ending, beginning again. They’ll meet each other again, he knows. Maybe it’s an existence he doesn’t yet have the faculties to contemplate. Maybe it will be a rebirth, or maybe not. Junmyeon doesn’t care. He rests easily knowing that they’ll meet again. That really, Sehun never even left. 

_That’s the spirit, hyung_ , he hears Sehun say, and it makes him smile. 

He arrives at the Everdoor with the knowledge that everything will change. The more things change, of course, the more they stay the same. 

Junmyeon kneels before Saja, and he hugs her close. 

“Ready, baby?” he asks, and she climbs into his arms. 

It is the funniest feeling, something like carbonation along his skin, and he laughs as it tickles all over. He remembers Sehun tickled him once. Junmyeon kicked him so hard in the leg that he bruised. 

He laughs as the light consumes him, as _he_ consumes the light in turn, and once it’s over, it feels like everything is finally beginning again.  
  


≎

_Hyung—_

_I hope you’re doing okay. That’s what I’ve always been most concerned about, whether or not you’d be okay without me. You believe me, right? All right, I know you don’t. I don’t really believe me either._

_Maybe we depended on each other too much sometimes. Maybe things were bad at times. I don’t think that means we loved each other any less. If anyone tries to give you shit, even if it’s your mom, you tell them that. Tell her you took care of me. Okay, hyung? Do as I say for once. Stand up for yourself. Make sure you don’t let anyone tell you something about us. You know us. You know what we were._

_Thank you for taking care of me. I’ll never be able to give you the things you deserve. I wish we could meet again. I think we will, hyung. And even if we don’t, you should know that I’ll always be with you. There’s no saying goodbye to someone you love. They’re always there. I’ll always be there, hyung._

_I’m getting tired now. I hope you don’t hate me for not writing more. I know you won’t, but still, I hope you don’t hate me._

_Don’t be angry with me. Don’t mourn too much. You can forget me, hyung, okay? You can marry Dehan if you want. You should meet someone. Have someone take care of you for a change. Remember that, if I was there, I would want that for you. I would want you to be happy. To move on. I’ll never be mad at you. I’ll understand. Thank you again. Thank you for being who you are. It means so much to me. You’re the best, hyung. I mean it. The very best._

_I’ll always love you. If we meet again like you always said we would, then I hope you can still love me then too._

_—Sehun_   
  


≎

They are only light, but they crash together again. Not hard and angry like in a past life. Softly. They fall together. They fall.

They merge, they marry, he and Sehun, a chance they never had before. 

Together, they make a new star straggling behind all the rest. It’s blue and bright.

Together, they look like winter. 

Junmyeon missed him so much, even though he was there the whole time.  
  


∞

**Author's Note:**

> i hope it wasn't too bad. i thought a lot about this relationship (and relationships in general) as i was writing it. i think its hard when people who love each other have combating ideologies that are only resolved once they've grown. thats the kind of tragedy i find really compelling. i don't know. 
> 
> this was a very self-indulgent fic for me because its the exact kind of thing i like to write. i powered through most of it in the last week because it came very easily. ah. i really liked writing this, but im glad its finished now. i hope you enjoyed it. i really enjoyed writing it. i hope that came through. 
> 
> leave me a kudos or a comment or both.... follow me on twitter.... send this to your friends with a meme attached,,,, leave me a little question in my curiouscat. whatever floats ur ferry through the everdoor. 
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/okamiwind) | [my curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/okamiwind)


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